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Friday Update: 01/12/07

Isn’t it strange how music can leave a lasting impression on you? You might hear a song, part of a song, or even just a phrase from a song and suddenly you are transported to another time and place. A memory so real that you find yourself engulfed in whatever emotions you were feeling at the time. I popped in a cd today that I haven’t listened to in a while…it was one I had bought right before vacation last year. There are several songs on this cd that are pretty mellow and suited to a mellow/reflective mood. I used to listen to this cd and 3 specific songs while driving home from the nursing home after a long day tending to Matt and his very early days of rehab. I would listen to these songs and often cry…thinking of how drastically our lives had changed, how long and dark the road ahead of me seemed. I listen to this song and I am driving home, the streetlights streaming in through the sunroof…Matt’s sunroof. I am alone, late at night, staring ahead at the road in front of me, reliving scenes from the day…frustrations, tiny accomplishments, and trying to calm the fear and anxiety rising up in my chest…anxiety that Matt is going to have another sleepless and scary night afraid and unable to communicate, fear that he wonders where I am, anxiety that he feels alone and abandoned, fear that our life is never going to come close to what it was before that fateful day. I agonize over these things as I make the daily trek home, exhausted.

Moments like these wash over me in waves, unexpectedly triggering feelings and memories. Even now, it is so amazing to me that we have experienced these things; hospitals, nursing homes, endless hours of therapy, countless doctors, nurses, fellow patients…the list goes on and on. It is still so surreal to me. I can only speculate how Matt must feel…so betrayed by his body, but all the while feeling, thinking, being the same guy on the inside. How strange it must be to look at yourself in the mirror and see features that are unfamiliar. Sometimes I think it is somewhat of a shame that most other people don’t get to see all the old Matt that I see on a daily basis…but then again, sometimes I think how lucky, blessed, and privileged I am, as his wife and his truest friend, to see him at his best. Those moments, just the two of us, sharing laughter, tears, and life…they are the moments I treasure. They make it all worth while.

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