Skip to main content

Friday Update: 01/12/07

Isn’t it strange how music can leave a lasting impression on you? You might hear a song, part of a song, or even just a phrase from a song and suddenly you are transported to another time and place. A memory so real that you find yourself engulfed in whatever emotions you were feeling at the time. I popped in a cd today that I haven’t listened to in a while…it was one I had bought right before vacation last year. There are several songs on this cd that are pretty mellow and suited to a mellow/reflective mood. I used to listen to this cd and 3 specific songs while driving home from the nursing home after a long day tending to Matt and his very early days of rehab. I would listen to these songs and often cry…thinking of how drastically our lives had changed, how long and dark the road ahead of me seemed. I listen to this song and I am driving home, the streetlights streaming in through the sunroof…Matt’s sunroof. I am alone, late at night, staring ahead at the road in front of me, reliving scenes from the day…frustrations, tiny accomplishments, and trying to calm the fear and anxiety rising up in my chest…anxiety that Matt is going to have another sleepless and scary night afraid and unable to communicate, fear that he wonders where I am, anxiety that he feels alone and abandoned, fear that our life is never going to come close to what it was before that fateful day. I agonize over these things as I make the daily trek home, exhausted.

Moments like these wash over me in waves, unexpectedly triggering feelings and memories. Even now, it is so amazing to me that we have experienced these things; hospitals, nursing homes, endless hours of therapy, countless doctors, nurses, fellow patients…the list goes on and on. It is still so surreal to me. I can only speculate how Matt must feel…so betrayed by his body, but all the while feeling, thinking, being the same guy on the inside. How strange it must be to look at yourself in the mirror and see features that are unfamiliar. Sometimes I think it is somewhat of a shame that most other people don’t get to see all the old Matt that I see on a daily basis…but then again, sometimes I think how lucky, blessed, and privileged I am, as his wife and his truest friend, to see him at his best. Those moments, just the two of us, sharing laughter, tears, and life…they are the moments I treasure. They make it all worth while.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

I Was Born in a Small Town

So we’ve decided to move. We love Ankeny, our house, and our neighborhood so it’s a little bittersweet to think about moving, but ever since Ethan came along - oh how things have changed. When we set out to build a wheelchair friendly house for Matt nearly 9 years ago, we were mainly focused on the functionality inside the house. While of course we wanted the ease and function of zero grade entry, we also yearned for the freedom he would know in a house with wider doorways and room to maneuver the bulky chair. In our old house there were literally rooms he never went into, simply because he couldn’t get through. Our Ankeny home was a dream come true in so many ways. And it was lovingly planned out and put together by so many incredibly generous and thoughtful people. We were humbled time and time again with how things came together for us in that house. I’ll never forget coming home for the first time with Matt after our long, exhausting trip back from China. It was late, we were jet …

Where We're at…Right Now

This whole adoption thing is tough stuff, friends. It is a roller coaster ride like no other. And I have to be honest – I’m still not sure this will be it for us. I want to believe it is…but I’m just.not.sure. Matt and I were on our way to church yesterday, listening to the 90’s station when the cult classic ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ came on. We both giggled…and may have turned it up a tad. Near the end we both howled out a woooo-woooo in near perfect, spontaneous, unison with dear mullet headed Billy Ray. It made me laugh instantly and I blurted out ‘we’re so perfect together’. And honestly – we are.
That thought stuck with me all morning.  We.are.perfect.together.  What we have – our marriage, our friendship, our devotion and commitment to each other….they are priceless. Our union is a blessing. It is blessed. 100% meant to be. No doubt in my mind. There is no one on this planet who could ever know me like Matt. We have been through hell and back together. In the hospital, shortly after his …

Mother's Day Emotions

Mother’s Day weekend is coming and I’m finding myself all sorts of emotional – go figure. I think the anticipation of how I might feel on my very first Mother’s Day after so many years of hoping, waiting, and wondering sort of made it a bit anticlimactic. Or maybe I guarded my heart a little and didn’t fully let the magnitude of my emotions wash over me. Regardless, I find myself MUCH more emotional this time around.
Last night we watched a TV show about children growing up and moving out etc…and I actually cried. All those jerks who told me how fast children grow and how quickly the time moves…were right. Of course I feel how swiftly time moves the older I get…I blinked and now I’m in my (gulp) 40’s. But I simply could not have fathomed how I would feel about the amount of time I have to be Ethan’s mother. It feels finite. Fleeting. Just not enough.
Don’t get me wrong, I love watching Ethan grow! He is learning and changing and cracking me up all the time. He loves climbing, and runn…