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Showing posts from 2015

Dear Ethan

You are the light of my life
You fill my heart with more joy…than I could have imagined
Your smile can move mountains
And Daddy and I will do just about anything to see it

Again And

Every night before I got to bed, I come in to check on you I lean in
To hear your soft breaths
To smell your sweet head
To marvel at the amazing gift you are

Many nights my eyes are filled with tears I’m overwhelmed with how deeply I love you
And how humbled I am
That I get
To be your Mommy

I will never be able to comprehend How all the many pieces had to fall perfectly into place
To bring you to us

I will never be able to thank God enough
You are the light of my life My heart, my hope, my joy
My son

Oh Daddy...

I realize I’ve been writing a lot about how life with Ethan has changed me – how much I have loved becoming a mother – and it occurs to me that I should share a little about Matt as a father.
It should come as no surprise to anyone that Matt and I are both incredibly enamored with Ethan. We are both 100% wrapped around his tiny little finger…happily. We both sit and oogle him, coo at him, talk to him, and absolutely melt when he snuggles into our chests. Becoming parents has been amazing. More…oh so much more than we could have fathomed.
Watching Matt with Ethan moves me in a way that’s hard to describe. I have loved Matt since I was a goofy 16 year old girl, but I can honestly say I’ve never loved him more than I do now – watching him as a daddy to our sweet Ethan. We knew going into this that parenthood would definitely have its challenges for us, given Matt’s disabilities. We knew I’d have to carry more of the weight while Ethan is small. We knew we’d have to find ways to accommodate…

Ten Weeks

Ethan is ten weeks old today. Ten weeks. It seems like a lifetime ago that he came into our lives, and just yesterday at the same time. It’s still so crazy, thinking back on our time in Florida and all we went through these past few months since learning we were chosen to parent him.He’s growing and changing so much – it’s incredible. But tens weeks has me a bit emotional.
I feel twelve weeks, and my return to work, steadily creeping up on us. And then I find it a bit hard to swallow the lump in my throat.
I have dreamed of being a mother for as long as I can remember. I have wondered for years what it would feel like to hold a baby of my own in my arms.
To snuggle a soft head against my cheek.
To see a big toothless smile and coo just for me.
To stumble around at night warming bottles and changing diapers.
To sing quiet songs and whisper prayers of thanksgiving while rocking my sleeping baby.
I daydreamed and fantasized and wondered what it would be like…but none of that could have ad…

Mommy Fails

Today I had a work meeting and needed to leave Ethan for a few hours. It was the 2nd time I’ve been away from him for more than a few minutes for a work thing. I suppose it’s ‘good practice’ for the inevitable return to work, but it’s still a little hard to leave that face. Last night I busied myself laying out clothes and preparing as much as possible for the early morning handoff to Matt’s mom.I had planned to leave the house around 7:15 – the earliest I’ve been anywhere since, oh, let’s say…August 10th!
I had set the alarm for 5:30 – just in case…but Ethan woke me up around 5:10 so I knew I’d have plenty of time to ready us both for the day. Good practice, I thought.
Ethan drank his bottle with his usual fervor, but towards the end, I could sense that he was ‘working’ on something. Of course we had to stop drinking – because he can’t concentrate on both at the same time. It’s a strange thing – just sitting, rocking your baby as he works on his number two – his big eyes looking up a…

For Real...

I’ve been thinking a lot…a lot about Ethan’s birth mother. I’ve been trying to formulate some thoughts to try and articulate how I’ve been feeling about her…so here we go.
First of all – adoption is complicated. The relationship between birth parents and adoptive parents is complicated. When we first started talking about adoption, I’ll admit I had real mixed emotions about how this relationship would evolve. Just the term birth mother made me somewhat uncomfortable. The idea that my child could have another family out there who he could have a relationship with over time, made me nervous and insecure. I read other adoption stories where the adoptive parents described their open adoptions with a level of emotion I found – well, rather fake. I just couldn’t fathom it. Really? For real? It was easy to just focus on my dream of being a mother and look past the woman who would make me one. And then it happened to us. Meeting Ethan’s birth mother was a nerve wracking experience, to say the …


Fifteen years ago I was a happy, carefree 24 year old who boldly and confidently just figured I’d have a baby. If only I had known then that in the summer of 2015, when I was rounding out the last of my 30’s, I would finally know the wonder of motherhood. It is so much different and so much better than anything my silly, immature 20-something brain could have dreamed up. I feel full of love for this child, for his birth mother, and for the Father above who brought us together. I know without a doubt that this tiny baby was meant for us – that God was weaving his life together with ours while he was still being knit together in his birth mother’s womb. He knew we’d have a son and that his name would be Ethan. He knew that he would need us. He knew that his birth mother would read our story and be touched. He knew that she would see all the love surrounding us and visualize this baby in our arms. He knew that we would love him unconditionally. He knew…he knew…
In the months when we heard…

Ethan Philip - Is this for REAL!?

Today Ethan is 3 weeks old. Three weeks since we received the call that would change everything.  I still find myself looking down at this tiny head nestled on my chest and wondering if this could actually be real. I hear myself talking to him and referring to myself as Mommy and it feels…fake somehow. I keep expecting this to be a temporary visit, like all the other children we’ve cared for off and on over the years. As the stacks of baby gifts begin to accumulate and the well wishes keep pouring in, I think it’s maybe starting to sink in. It’s so crazy, you guys! CRAZY! Our last few days in Florida the anticipation of life back in Iowa was almost unbearable. Our families and friends waiting to meet sweet Ethan could hardly stand the wait any longer. To try and pass the time, we ventured out to a local seafood restaurant on the banks of the Pithlachascotee River where we enjoyed local fresh food and great views. Matt and I spent a few hours at the pool our last af…

Ethan Philip – Life in a Hotel

Matt and I spent our first night as ‘unsupervised’ parents in our hotel room – excited and a bit anxious to figure out how things would go.We sat looking at this precious face and pondering how much our lives were going to change. It was surreal…still is really. Nearly two weeks have passed and I still can’t believe it!  Monday my mom flew in to help us here and help us when we fly home. (Such a Godsend!) Walking to the car to drive to the airport I asked Matt if he’d like to ride in back with Ethan…’no’ he said sort of like I was crazy for asking. By the time we got to the car…’How about I ride back here’. I loaded up ‘the boys’ in the backseat and chauffeured them over to the airport. My heart was full…such amazing, precious cargo riding in the back. How did I get so lucky!?
Mom arrived and found us waiting in the baggage claim – a stunned and happy look on her face. All the anticipation and here he was…in the flesh. I’ll never forget that look. The hugs she gave us. The excitement …

Ethan Philip - The Hospital Stay

Thursday morning we woke up sort of in limbo – torn between visiting Ethan and visiting his birth mother. We called and chatted with her and decided to go up to see her first. It was the first time we had been alone with her without any adoption workers – she had a friend with her who sat quietly and let us talk. We talked about many things…the baby’s delivery, how we anticipate the openness of our relationship growing over time, her hopes for a better future for herself, and our excitement and honor to have been chosen by her for this baby. It was priceless, that time with her, and I’m so very grateful we had it. We filled out his birth certificate together – officially naming him Ethan Philip and then she urged us to go see him. We hugged out goodbyes and planned to meet up later when she was discharged.
Making our way to see the baby we were hopeful and excited. Everything with his birth mother seemed on track for a positive adoption. We couldn’t wait to get there! When we arrived …