Skip to main content

Thursday Update: 04/30/09

There are certain days when I really, really feel like a grown up. Today is one of those days. Another round of layoffs was announced this morning, in my corner of the world, and it was a little close for comfort.

It may sound weird, but most of the time I guess I don’t really see myself as a full grown woman living and working in the big scary world of business. I’ve been working this job for nearly 8 years and have enjoyed most of it…I’ve learned new skills, been exposed to all different kinds of business, attended conferences and classes and immersed myself in my job and all the different paths it has taken me, climbing slowly up a few rungs on the corporate ladder…and every once in a while I would stop long enough to look at myself and think ‘huh…I guess I am a grown up professional…weird.’ I didn’t really choose this career path, but after college I never really knew what path I wanted, to be truthful. All my childhood dreams seem so ridiculous to me now…a teacher…a writer…a stay at home mom…and here I sit – a Business Analyst. Don’t get me wrong, I am deeply grateful for the opportunities I’ve had at my job…I can’t say enough how good it has been to me…I am blessed by this job, for sure. But I think somehow, in some way I may have felt sort of immune to things like tough economic times. Recently as we’ve endured wave after wave of layoffs I find myself looking closer at myself and what I could do…what I might choose to do, if I were forced. Reflecting on my skills, my interests…I sort of come up blank. I don’t see them meshing much. Trying to think about what I might do, if I didn’t have this job…I’ve got no idea.

I wonder how many other folks feel like I do…people who sort of wandered through college, entering the workforce without any real end goal in sight. It sort of makes me feel old…and young and dumb at the same time. I don’t have a trade…a niche…a definite idea of what I want to do and where I want to go. I know if I had to, I could put myself out there and find a place…but the thought is daunting, overwhelming, and honestly…a little terrifying. I’m lucky that I’ve been able to explore some things at this job, to grow myself and my skills here…I’ve been nurtured, supported, and encouraged to try new things and to challenge myself. I realize this is not the norm…and I am thankful. My heart goes out to those struggling with the direction of their own lives right now. It sounds weird to say it, but I actually have colleagues…and to see them have to pack their boxes and find a new job…well, it stings. It creates so many layers of emotions, I’m not sure I can even capture them all…fear, anger, frustration, grief, relief, guilt.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Carrie Anne - The Beginning of the Story

So, I’ve been trying to sort out how to start this story. It’s been difficult to articulate. Difficult to pick which details to share, and which to hold close. But it’s a story too good, too beautiful, not to share – so here goes! When Matt and I first became parents, we thought our family was complete. We envisioned raising Ethan surrounded by loving friends and family – just the two of us. Given all that we had gone through to finally become parents, we felt content with just the one child. The most adorable boy in the whole wide world. Our Ethan was the apple of our eyes – the most amazing gift. We marveled at all of his accomplishments, soaked up all his love and personality, and celebrated the joy of parenthood at every exhausting, wonderful turn. Along the way, we’ve built a strong and loving relationship with Ethan’s birthmother. We visit yearly, and stay in close contact with pictures, emails, and texts. I have attempted to describe my feelings for her many times over the co…

Carrie - The Wait and the Big Arrival!

We arrived in Florida midday Saturday and made our way to the hospital where we met up with Ethan’s birthmother and her mother. We spent a long afternoon in the waiting room while the doctors and nurses put L through a myriad of tests. Finally, they verified the need to induce labor and proceeded to admit her to the hospital with plans to start the induction process Sunday. Exhausted, we left to check in at the hotel and ate what we thought may be our last supper before the baby came…but…. Sunday we arrived at the hospital mid-morning to see how things were progressing. The nurses gave L a medication to help start the dilation process around 12:30 PM…and told us it would likely take 12 hours for things to progress. We stepped out to enjoy the Florida sunshine for lunch for a bit, then settled in for the long haul at the hospital. We spent all afternoon, evening, and night together – holding watch over L as she slept. As we sat there, listening to the baby’s heart beating on the monit…

I may as well tell you...

I had a miscarriage. I’ve debated for weeks whether or not to acknowledge it publicly. It’s such a personal thing…and this is such a public medium. But a few months have gone by and I’m no closer to feeling ok about it and truly nothing else on my mind really compares, so here I am, letting the world in on my secret. Over the past few weeks I’ve found very little comfort in the fact that only a small handful of people know about the miscarriage. It became nearly unbearable this week, during all our wonderful family Christmas celebrations. Being surrounded by so many people who love me and support me and have no idea how my heart has been broken – it’s a lonely place to be. Not that I would want them all to bombard me with pity or questions or sad looks in their eyes – I realize I can’t have it both ways. But a little acknowledgement goes a long way and I simply can’t ignore or deny the fact that something major happened in my life and impacted me, impacts me still.
It was a warm, sunn…