Skip to main content

Thursday Update: 04/30/09

There are certain days when I really, really feel like a grown up. Today is one of those days. Another round of layoffs was announced this morning, in my corner of the world, and it was a little close for comfort.

It may sound weird, but most of the time I guess I don’t really see myself as a full grown woman living and working in the big scary world of business. I’ve been working this job for nearly 8 years and have enjoyed most of it…I’ve learned new skills, been exposed to all different kinds of business, attended conferences and classes and immersed myself in my job and all the different paths it has taken me, climbing slowly up a few rungs on the corporate ladder…and every once in a while I would stop long enough to look at myself and think ‘huh…I guess I am a grown up professional…weird.’ I didn’t really choose this career path, but after college I never really knew what path I wanted, to be truthful. All my childhood dreams seem so ridiculous to me now…a teacher…a writer…a stay at home mom…and here I sit – a Business Analyst. Don’t get me wrong, I am deeply grateful for the opportunities I’ve had at my job…I can’t say enough how good it has been to me…I am blessed by this job, for sure. But I think somehow, in some way I may have felt sort of immune to things like tough economic times. Recently as we’ve endured wave after wave of layoffs I find myself looking closer at myself and what I could do…what I might choose to do, if I were forced. Reflecting on my skills, my interests…I sort of come up blank. I don’t see them meshing much. Trying to think about what I might do, if I didn’t have this job…I’ve got no idea.

I wonder how many other folks feel like I do…people who sort of wandered through college, entering the workforce without any real end goal in sight. It sort of makes me feel old…and young and dumb at the same time. I don’t have a trade…a niche…a definite idea of what I want to do and where I want to go. I know if I had to, I could put myself out there and find a place…but the thought is daunting, overwhelming, and honestly…a little terrifying. I’m lucky that I’ve been able to explore some things at this job, to grow myself and my skills here…I’ve been nurtured, supported, and encouraged to try new things and to challenge myself. I realize this is not the norm…and I am thankful. My heart goes out to those struggling with the direction of their own lives right now. It sounds weird to say it, but I actually have colleagues…and to see them have to pack their boxes and find a new job…well, it stings. It creates so many layers of emotions, I’m not sure I can even capture them all…fear, anger, frustration, grief, relief, guilt.


Popular posts from this blog

I Was Born in a Small Town

So we’ve decided to move. We love Ankeny, our house, and our neighborhood so it’s a little bittersweet to think about moving, but ever since Ethan came along - oh how things have changed. When we set out to build a wheelchair friendly house for Matt nearly 9 years ago, we were mainly focused on the functionality inside the house. While of course we wanted the ease and function of zero grade entry, we also yearned for the freedom he would know in a house with wider doorways and room to maneuver the bulky chair. In our old house there were literally rooms he never went into, simply because he couldn’t get through. Our Ankeny home was a dream come true in so many ways. And it was lovingly planned out and put together by so many incredibly generous and thoughtful people. We were humbled time and time again with how things came together for us in that house. I’ll never forget coming home for the first time with Matt after our long, exhausting trip back from China. It was late, we were jet …

Where We're at…Right Now

This whole adoption thing is tough stuff, friends. It is a roller coaster ride like no other. And I have to be honest – I’m still not sure this will be it for us. I want to believe it is…but I’m just.not.sure. Matt and I were on our way to church yesterday, listening to the 90’s station when the cult classic ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ came on. We both giggled…and may have turned it up a tad. Near the end we both howled out a woooo-woooo in near perfect, spontaneous, unison with dear mullet headed Billy Ray. It made me laugh instantly and I blurted out ‘we’re so perfect together’. And honestly – we are.
That thought stuck with me all morning.  We.are.perfect.together.  What we have – our marriage, our friendship, our devotion and commitment to each other….they are priceless. Our union is a blessing. It is blessed. 100% meant to be. No doubt in my mind. There is no one on this planet who could ever know me like Matt. We have been through hell and back together. In the hospital, shortly after his …

Mother's Day Emotions

Mother’s Day weekend is coming and I’m finding myself all sorts of emotional – go figure. I think the anticipation of how I might feel on my very first Mother’s Day after so many years of hoping, waiting, and wondering sort of made it a bit anticlimactic. Or maybe I guarded my heart a little and didn’t fully let the magnitude of my emotions wash over me. Regardless, I find myself MUCH more emotional this time around.
Last night we watched a TV show about children growing up and moving out etc…and I actually cried. All those jerks who told me how fast children grow and how quickly the time moves…were right. Of course I feel how swiftly time moves the older I get…I blinked and now I’m in my (gulp) 40’s. But I simply could not have fathomed how I would feel about the amount of time I have to be Ethan’s mother. It feels finite. Fleeting. Just not enough.
Don’t get me wrong, I love watching Ethan grow! He is learning and changing and cracking me up all the time. He loves climbing, and runn…