Thursday Update: 09/17/09

Well September 14th came and went without much fanfare. We both had a few moments of ‘oh yeah, it’s the 14th’…but that’s about it. Pretty much the same as last year. I think as the years move on and we get farther and farther away from 2005, the date holds less meaning to us. I also think it’s easier now that we live in our new house…not driving by the old landmarks and living in the old house, it’s easier to not be reminded so much. This past week we did take a drive by our old house, which we do from time to time when we’re in the neighborhood. Matt commented that sometimes he really misses living there…and I do too. It’s hard to put a finger on it, but I think it has less to do with how it was living there after Matt’s hemorrhage and more to do with the memories of our life before. We never knew how good we had it. Sure, we enjoyed our life and tried to live as filled with gratitude as possible…but I think I will always see it a little differently through my new eyes. We had a lot of good times at our house in Des Moines…with friends, family, our dogs and much-missed kitty…and each other. We put a lot of work into that house and really, we loved it. We lived pretty care-free, felt good at our jobs, and always loved coming home to each other and our little house. I do miss those days.

I was thinking the other day about how far we’ve come and how good Matt is doing these days. Sometimes when someone asks me about him…someone I haven’t talked to in a long time and doesn’t keep up on our life…I find myself saying how good he’s doing and see how relieved they look. But once they dig deeper and ask more questions about walking, talking, working, etc…I get the sense that their relief is fading and quickly being replaced by concern or pity. I hate that. And that’s not to say that I hate people asking me about Matt and being empathetic – because of course we appreciate kind thoughts, well wishes and prayers for improvement. It’s just that when I start to list off the things Matt still deals with on a daily basis I worry it sounds bad…worse than it really is…that we sound pitiful. And I hate that. Sometimes I think it’s good to be reminded of how difficult daily life is physically for Matt and how much harder he has to work to do any of the countless things you and I do simultaneously and without second thought. But not for pity.

I want people to realize that all these things are stacked against him and YET…he gets up each morning and is thankful for many things…and YET he makes an effort to spend time with his friends and family…and YET he greets me with a smile and a hug each day…and YET he plays ball with the dog…and YET he will go out and get the mail for me…and YET he laughs and jokes and loves. He lives a life worth living. I am always proud of him…for what he’s accomplished and what he continues to do each day. I’m proud of how he handles himself in this situation…how he leans on his faith and his courage…and his inmost self which is so much tougher than I could have imagined.

And yes, there will always be limitations to what he can do…what we can do together. But, he doesn’t have to accomplish the ‘American Dream’ to be a man…to be my wonderful husband. He already is. He always will be.