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Mother’s Day Confession

I had a feeling that church might make me a little emotional today, but I had no idea I’d be wiping tears before we finished the first praise song. I just hate getting so emotional at church. I don’t know why…if there’s anyplace it should be ok…more than ok…to be emotional, it should be church – surrounded by loving friends. But for me, I just don’t like to make a fuss…a scene. I worry that people are seeing my tears and misinterpreting what they mean. I don’t want to have to explain on the spot. I don’t want sympathy. I found myself trying to distract myself from the words, the message that was being spoken through the beautiful songs, and the meaningful sermon. If I allowed myself to let the words sink in and resonate within me…I feared I might not be able to stop the tears and Lord knows I just hate crying in church. I fidgeted, I doodled, I squirmed in my seat…longing the whole time to dash out the back and make a break for it. How ridiculous is that? I feel stupid even admitting it now…but I know I need to get it off my chest.

Mother’s Day has been a bittersweet holiday for me for the past several years. Looking around the congregation at all the families…oh, it just makes me sad. I see young families with small children…the apples of their parents’ eyes. I see old families, with grown children and grandchildren surrounding their proud grandparents. These families have a legacy. How must it feel to know that someday, years from now, your children will go through your old photos and smile remembering what wonderful memories they captured? How does it feel to know that there will be generations after you, treasuring your memory and the gifts you’ve left behind? How does it feel to know that you’re passing along a part of you, your history, your name? These are questions that flicker deep, deep down inside me. I push them way to the back most of the time…because contemplating them is much too painful.

This week we are preparing for a big 90th birthday bash for Matt’s Grandpa and I’ve volunteered to help put together a photo display for the party. Just thinking about all of Grandpa’s family coming from far and wide to celebrate this momentous occasion with him – it’s amazing. I love Matt’s family. I love that they’ll all be here next weekend. I love the wonderful history that they represent. I admire Matt’s Grandparents and the family they raised so very much. They are a testament to what family is all about. And I know that looking through all of the old photos will be a time of reminiscing with laughter and joy. And I’m jealous, sad…that years from now I won’t have children and grandchildren planning a party like this for me.

Mother’s Day used to make me sad that I didn’t have children, but I remained hopeful in my heart, that one day we would realize our dream of being parents…one way or another. But…now…I’m not so sure. In fact, over the past few months, I’ve been coming to the realization that children are probably not a part of God’s plan for us. As sad as it makes me to say it…I think it may be true. Given all that Matt has been through, and how our life has changed, I think it’s just not meant to be. There are so many things to consider…things that are hard for others to understand. We’ve talked about them at length and while part of me may hope for a miracle child…I guess I’m putting it out there…that we will likely not be parents. It makes me so sad. And I think it’s so unfair. But it is my lot in life. Matt says he feels selfish…that he doesn’t deserve me. That I’ve had to give up so much to be with him. But I tell him, that I believe, without a doubt, that I was meant to be with him. I know that I was brought into his life for a reason. And I know that the path our lives have taken are as they should be. Though I cannot always make heads or tails of it. I know that I must accept it. Most days, I think I do pretty well at acceptance, peace, and gratitude. But I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t share that there are days, like today, where I crumble a little. I know that there is so very much to be thankful for, and I will turn my attention to those things and let this moment of sadness pass, knowing that my legacy with Matt may not be as I had dreamed it would be…but perhaps, it will extend beyond just our family and touch other lives, somehow. And I know that wherever my boxes of photos end up…there will be at least a few which will be treasured by someone. A friend…a sister…a niece. I know that we will be remembered.

Blessed Be Your Name - Matt Redman

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Comments

Emily said…
You are so blessed, to know that you are following God's will and living your life with the husband God called you to love. I pray God blesses your every desire; you and Matt deserve it all. But know you already are leaving a beautiful legacy. Few people fully understand what it means to bless God from the desert place, we all have much to learn from you guys.

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