Skip to main content

Feeling Sentimental

So it’s the start of a new year (ish), and that always prompts a little spring cleaning around the office. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting my little corner of cubicle world – you know that I have very little blank space on my gray walls. I mean, who wants to look at sad, drab, gray walls all day?? When not busy working, of course. I prefer to look up and see things that make me smile; happy mementos of fun times, pictures my favorite kids have made me, photos from awesome places I’ve been, certificates of accomplishment (both professional and personal) which inspire me, all sorts of things which remind me of the countless blessings in my life.

For a long time – seven years, to be exact – I had this picture of Matt and me from vacation 2005. It was his 30th birthday and he had caught that really awesome walleye, while I had caught a couple small perch. I’ve posted this picture before – it’s definitely a favorite…special in so many ways. I used to look at the picture longingly. Pining for the way things were before. Looking at that picture, I could feel, hear, and see how Matt was before. I could picture his easy walk…and his cute butt in his Levi’s. I could hear him yelling and recounting the fishing adventures with his Dad. I could picture his hands, strong and tough – capable as they handled the fish. I could feel his strength as he helped me in and out of the boat…and the smell of his favorite fishing hat. It was a great picture from a great day that I had developed only days later as he lay helpless in a hospital bed. I looked at that picture endlessly – hoping desperately for another day like that. And it never came…not exactly.
It would be easy to look at that picture and be sad. No one would blame me for comparing all the differences between then and now and feeling low. We lost a lot. But this year, when I was cleaning up my office and looking at that picture…I realized something. We’ve both changed tremendously since that picture was taken. Our lives, our marriage, our bodies, our future completely altered. But oh, what blessings we’ve known in the midst. How many wonderful changes have we known and celebrated these past seven years? Endless. Countless.
I was looking to put up this picture of Matt and me from the Chicago Cubs game we went to last fall. It is easily, hands down, one of my most favorite pictures of us…ever. We were blissfully happy…having the time of our lives even though it was only days after the miscarriage. We had the family weekend planned for months and didn’t want to back out – so we went. And it was a really great weekend, despite the grief we held in our hearts. Matt was over the moon excited to be at the game and we had the best treatment, best seats, best time. I look at that picture and I see our lives now. I see resilience. Faith. Commitment. Strength. Love. Joy. And I realized it was maybe time to put the old picture away. Time to replace it with this new picture which I loved equally as much – if not more – for what it represented. And so I did – and now when I look up, amongst all the other pictures and mementos – I see our smiling faces and remember the sheer joy we shared that night. I have only one other picture on my desk from our ‘former’ lives…from the night we got engaged. I’ll probably keep that one up for posterity’s sake…we’ve come a long way, baby and we should celebrate that!!


Anonymous said…
I always used to read paragraph in news papers but now as I am a user
of net so from now I am using net for posts, thanks to web.

my webpage: masini jocuri noi

Popular posts from this blog

I Was Born in a Small Town

So we’ve decided to move. We love Ankeny, our house, and our neighborhood so it’s a little bittersweet to think about moving, but ever since Ethan came along - oh how things have changed. When we set out to build a wheelchair friendly house for Matt nearly 9 years ago, we were mainly focused on the functionality inside the house. While of course we wanted the ease and function of zero grade entry, we also yearned for the freedom he would know in a house with wider doorways and room to maneuver the bulky chair. In our old house there were literally rooms he never went into, simply because he couldn’t get through. Our Ankeny home was a dream come true in so many ways. And it was lovingly planned out and put together by so many incredibly generous and thoughtful people. We were humbled time and time again with how things came together for us in that house. I’ll never forget coming home for the first time with Matt after our long, exhausting trip back from China. It was late, we were jet …

Where We're at…Right Now

This whole adoption thing is tough stuff, friends. It is a roller coaster ride like no other. And I have to be honest – I’m still not sure this will be it for us. I want to believe it is…but I’m just.not.sure. Matt and I were on our way to church yesterday, listening to the 90’s station when the cult classic ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ came on. We both giggled…and may have turned it up a tad. Near the end we both howled out a woooo-woooo in near perfect, spontaneous, unison with dear mullet headed Billy Ray. It made me laugh instantly and I blurted out ‘we’re so perfect together’. And honestly – we are.
That thought stuck with me all morning.  We.are.perfect.together.  What we have – our marriage, our friendship, our devotion and commitment to each other….they are priceless. Our union is a blessing. It is blessed. 100% meant to be. No doubt in my mind. There is no one on this planet who could ever know me like Matt. We have been through hell and back together. In the hospital, shortly after his …

Mother's Day Emotions

Mother’s Day weekend is coming and I’m finding myself all sorts of emotional – go figure. I think the anticipation of how I might feel on my very first Mother’s Day after so many years of hoping, waiting, and wondering sort of made it a bit anticlimactic. Or maybe I guarded my heart a little and didn’t fully let the magnitude of my emotions wash over me. Regardless, I find myself MUCH more emotional this time around.
Last night we watched a TV show about children growing up and moving out etc…and I actually cried. All those jerks who told me how fast children grow and how quickly the time moves…were right. Of course I feel how swiftly time moves the older I get…I blinked and now I’m in my (gulp) 40’s. But I simply could not have fathomed how I would feel about the amount of time I have to be Ethan’s mother. It feels finite. Fleeting. Just not enough.
Don’t get me wrong, I love watching Ethan grow! He is learning and changing and cracking me up all the time. He loves climbing, and runn…