Skip to main content

Mixed Emotions

A friend of mine who has gone through infertility and adoption told me about a series of articles being published in the Des Moines Register this week – chronicling the story of a couple on their own infertility journey. I tend to avoid reading these sorts of stories, and brushed it aside for a few days. But last night, as I was waiting for Matt to finish getting ready for bed, I sat down with the iPad to check it out. Of course it brought back a great big wave of emotions, and as I grappled with them, I couldn't help but wish I hadn't read the story.
Like most couples struggling with infertility their story was wrought with ups and downs, miscarriages, disappointment, heartache, self-doubt, resilience, love, fear…rinse and repeat. And, like many stories you hear about, theirs is ultimately winding up with a crazy happy ending. This is where I struggle. Where the deep recesses of my heart cry out…why.not.us?
Reading the story, seeing the pictures and names of the nurses and doctors who were a part of our own story brought all those feelings right back up to the surface. I see their faces and the memories are so vivid. The many appointments. The high hopes we had. The months of disappointments. The amazing news of our first actual success. Hearing the heartbeat…and seeing the tiny flutter and KNOWING there was actually a baby growing inside me. ME. The complete and utter devastation as that tiny life was lost. And the emptiness that has remained ever since. My empty womb. I have pictures like these…what can I do with these? Should I delete them? Hide the evidence that we ever went through that? While moving forward with adoption gives us hope – it’s not a guarantee…and it doesn't wipe away all that we've been through to get to this point.
Of course, ultimately we are still hopeful that our story will have a happy ending as well. In fact I came home last night to see these flamingos in my neighbor’s yard. A few of them put their heads together and are organizing a neighborhood fundraiser to help support our adoption. Matt text me yesterday that there was a surprise waiting for me when I got home…and he was waiting for me in the garage, with a big smile on his face when I got there…big tears filled my eyes. We were humbled and touched by their generosity and support. All the love and support we've had from friends and family over the years is indescribable. We are deeply, deeply grateful for you all.

And while our story may not be on TV, it may not be featured in a newspaper article, it may not have a crazy happy ending…we move forward with hope and love and do our best to trust in the plan unfolding for us.  Of course it’s always nice to read stories about people who've been through these struggles and come out with a baby in the end – I can’t help but hurt for those of us still waiting for that baby, for those who may have to accept a life without a baby. Those stories should be told too. 

Comments

Lorah said…
Oh guys, you are so nice!
You go through great trials, but it makes you even stronger!
I wish you all the best!
https://getpaperdone.com/

Popular posts from this blog

Carrie Anne - The Beginning of the Story

So, I’ve been trying to sort out how to start this story. It’s been difficult to articulate. Difficult to pick which details to share, and which to hold close. But it’s a story too good, too beautiful, not to share – so here goes! When Matt and I first became parents, we thought our family was complete. We envisioned raising Ethan surrounded by loving friends and family – just the two of us. Given all that we had gone through to finally become parents, we felt content with just the one child. The most adorable boy in the whole wide world. Our Ethan was the apple of our eyes – the most amazing gift. We marveled at all of his accomplishments, soaked up all his love and personality, and celebrated the joy of parenthood at every exhausting, wonderful turn. Along the way, we’ve built a strong and loving relationship with Ethan’s birthmother. We visit yearly, and stay in close contact with pictures, emails, and texts. I have attempted to describe my feelings for her many times over the

A Glimpse Into Open Adoption

If you had been a customer of the Longhorn Steakhouse on Highway 19 in Palm Harbor, FL last Sunday night, you may have seen two couples walking through the restaurant, oogling a sweet baby boy on the way to their table. You may have commented on how cute he was. You may have thought he looked a lot like the woman carrying him. You may have wondered about the man in the wheelchair. But you likely would not have assumed you’d be witnessing this baby’s biological parents sit down to dine with his adoptive parents. It’s a scene I’ve been playing over and over in my mind as I recount the wonderful experiences of our trip to Florida. The magnitude of that moment, that evening, will never be lost on me. It was incredible to be a part of – and I’m so very grateful we had it. We had met up with Ethan’s birthmother, L, earlier in the day. She hadn’t seen him since he was a few hours old and was anxiously waiting for us outside a local mall. As soon as we saw each other the tears welled up in o

Carrie - The Wait and the Big Arrival!

We arrived in Florida midday Saturday and made our way to the hospital where we met up with Ethan’s birthmother and her mother. We spent a long afternoon in the waiting room while the doctors and nurses put L through a myriad of tests. Finally, they verified the need to induce labor and proceeded to admit her to the hospital with plans to start the induction process Sunday. Exhausted, we left to check in at the hotel and ate what we thought may be our last supper before the baby came…but…. Sunday we arrived at the hospital mid-morning to see how things were progressing. The nurses gave L a medication to help start the dilation process around 12:30 PM…and told us it would likely take 12 hours for things to progress. We stepped out to enjoy the Florida sunshine for lunch for a bit, then settled in for the long haul at the hospital. We spent all afternoon, evening, and night together – holding watch over L as she slept. As we sat there, listening to the baby’s heart beating on the mon