Skip to main content

Time Keeps on Slipping, Slipping, Slipping...

Happy November!
It's hard to believe that October has come and gone and here we are on the edge of the holiday season. Good grief! Life has been busy and good and really I should focus on that but today, I am feeling a bit... impatient. It's been nearly 6 months since we were officially approved to adopt and while a lot has happened to keep us busy and help pass the time - I can't help but feel the itch to know WHEN will our dream finally come true?
Every family I know who has gone through an adoption journey ended up with a child at some point. None of them gave up and walked away childless. However, somewhere deep down inside, I still carry a little fear that we will. As the waiting family profiles pile up on the website I can't help from checking out the 'competition'...and isn't it terrible to view them as such? It is, I know...but I can't help trying to rationalize how someone might choose us over another. I find myself compartmentalizing the other families. Some have biological children, some have other adopted children, some have none. Some are very young, some are older. Some have stay at home moms, some have acreages, some have pets. How do we stack up? Is anyone contemplating us? The would-be dad in a wheelchair and his goofy wife. I don't know.  And that, these days, is making me a bit bonkers.
So I've started a separate blog, just for potential birth families. It is linked from our web profile and the agency put links in our profile books. It is mostly pictures of stuff we're doing, in the hopes that they can see us... and try and know us better.  To see how we continue to live our lives, not just from the pages in the book, in the hopes it will give them a clearer picture of who we are. It makes me feel like I'm doing something to help - even though I know...I KNOW...none of this really matters.
In the end, it's all out of my control. If and when a baby comes to us, it likely won't be because of my pictures, or clever words, or any of that. It will be because it was the baby meant for us. And I know that when that happens I will fall on my knees in humble gratitude that God would choose this baby for us. I dream of that day. I can almost, almost see it. And yet it feels painfully far out into the future. Who.really.knows? Sigh.
So now we head into November - thinking of all we are thankful for.  I will do my best not to be discouraged, to lose heart. I will do my best to trust that God is still working out the details for our baby. I will do my best to see all the wonderful, amazing blessings in my life and give praise for their abundance. And I will continue to pray for my baby...that he or she would be here soon.
In the meantime - thank you all for the love and support you continue to show us. Our neighborhood fundraiser was incredibly humbling and loving! We are amazed by the acts of kindness shown to us as we continue down our adoption journey. It hasn't been easy - but we are so very thankful to you for sharing in it.


Popular posts from this blog

Where We're at…Right Now

This whole adoption thing is tough stuff, friends. It is a roller coaster ride like no other. And I have to be honest – I’m still not sure this will be it for us. I want to believe it is…but I’m just.not.sure. Matt and I were on our way to church yesterday, listening to the 90’s station when the cult classic ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ came on. We both giggled…and may have turned it up a tad. Near the end we both howled out a woooo-woooo in near perfect, spontaneous, unison with dear mullet headed Billy Ray. It made me laugh instantly and I blurted out ‘we’re so perfect together’. And honestly – we are.
That thought stuck with me all morning.  We.are.perfect.together.  What we have – our marriage, our friendship, our devotion and commitment to each other….they are priceless. Our union is a blessing. It is blessed. 100% meant to be. No doubt in my mind. There is no one on this planet who could ever know me like Matt. We have been through hell and back together. In the hospital, shortly after his …

I may as well tell you...

I had a miscarriage. I’ve debated for weeks whether or not to acknowledge it publicly. It’s such a personal thing…and this is such a public medium. But a few months have gone by and I’m no closer to feeling ok about it and truly nothing else on my mind really compares, so here I am, letting the world in on my secret. Over the past few weeks I’ve found very little comfort in the fact that only a small handful of people know about the miscarriage. It became nearly unbearable this week, during all our wonderful family Christmas celebrations. Being surrounded by so many people who love me and support me and have no idea how my heart has been broken – it’s a lonely place to be. Not that I would want them all to bombard me with pity or questions or sad looks in their eyes – I realize I can’t have it both ways. But a little acknowledgement goes a long way and I simply can’t ignore or deny the fact that something major happened in my life and impacted me, impacts me still.
It was a warm, sunn…

Mother's Day Emotions

Mother’s Day weekend is coming and I’m finding myself all sorts of emotional – go figure. I think the anticipation of how I might feel on my very first Mother’s Day after so many years of hoping, waiting, and wondering sort of made it a bit anticlimactic. Or maybe I guarded my heart a little and didn’t fully let the magnitude of my emotions wash over me. Regardless, I find myself MUCH more emotional this time around.
Last night we watched a TV show about children growing up and moving out etc…and I actually cried. All those jerks who told me how fast children grow and how quickly the time moves…were right. Of course I feel how swiftly time moves the older I get…I blinked and now I’m in my (gulp) 40’s. But I simply could not have fathomed how I would feel about the amount of time I have to be Ethan’s mother. It feels finite. Fleeting. Just not enough.
Don’t get me wrong, I love watching Ethan grow! He is learning and changing and cracking me up all the time. He loves climbing, and runn…