We had our first
‘official’ no this week.
It’s a strange
feeling – knowing that someone is looking at our profile information, reading
our words, pouring over our pictures, analyzing the details and trying to
decide if they think WE could parent their unborn child. While we may have been
presented to several birth families through our initial agency, we were never
told about it. They like to prevent the heartache of knowing you’ve received a
‘no’ and only contact you if you’ve got a birth family seriously looking to
choose you.
It has its pros
and cons.
Signing up with
the adoption consultant, I knew we’d have more involvement in the process. We
are actually provided details of situations and decide IF we want to be
presented. Then we actually know they are looking. I was looking forward to
this ‘knowing’. But last week, as we waited, wondering, praying, hoping that
they see some sort of connection and decide we are the ones I was torn about
how I felt about the ‘knowing’.
All week, in my
quiet moments, my mind would go to that birthmother. I would pray for her by
name, and ask God to work in her life as she tried to make that difficult decision.
Of course, I also prayed she would choose us...and it felt like a conflict of
interest. How could I pray objectively, when deep in my heart I hoped she would
choose us? Of course I want her to feel at peace with her decision and trust
God to work out the details…but I wanted them to be with us – I can’t lie.
Knowing we were
officially not chosen hurts a little.
Of course we are trying to trust in the
process and trust in God’s plan for us…and trust that this baby was not meant
to be ours. But I wouldn't be honest if I didn't tell you that on some level a
tiny little voice of insecurity wonders if I’m not just kidding myself.
Will
anyone ever choose us?
Will anyone see past all of Matt’s disabilities and our
unique situation and CHOOSE us to raise their child?
Of course it’s easy for
those who know us to say YES…they know our strengths and capabilities, our
faithfulness and think of course we would be wonderful parents to a lucky baby.
But…is it too much to ask a complete stranger to see this as well?
Last night Matt
and I were discussing these fears and insecurities…MY fears and insecurities, I
should say. He is very secure. He’s not even contemplating these things, but is
choosing (as he always is) to remain positive and trust that God is working out
the details. And, when necessary, he’s prepared to ‘turn on the charm’.
Oh, how I love
him! I hope our future
birth family will grow to love him as well. He’s really an amazing guy and will
be an incredible father.
This week we’ve
received information on 3 more birth family situations and are contemplating if
we want to pursue being presented to any of these. It's a flurry of activity! While I’m sad we didn’t get
picked right away, I’m excited to contemplate these others and continue moving
forward – trusting in God to work out the details.
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