We had our first ‘official’ no this week.
It’s a strange feeling – knowing that someone is looking at our profile information, reading our words, pouring over our pictures, analyzing the details and trying to decide if they think WE could parent their unborn child. While we may have been presented to several birth families through our initial agency, we were never told about it. They like to prevent the heartache of knowing you’ve received a ‘no’ and only contact you if you’ve got a birth family seriously looking to choose you.
It has its pros and cons.
Signing up with the adoption consultant, I knew we’d have more involvement in the process. We are actually provided details of situations and decide IF we want to be presented. Then we actually know they are looking. I was looking forward to this ‘knowing’. But last week, as we waited, wondering, praying, hoping that they see some sort of connection and decide we are the ones I was torn about how I felt about the ‘knowing’.
All week, in my quiet moments, my mind would go to that birthmother. I would pray for her by name, and ask God to work in her life as she tried to make that difficult decision. Of course, I also prayed she would choose us...and it felt like a conflict of interest. How could I pray objectively, when deep in my heart I hoped she would choose us? Of course I want her to feel at peace with her decision and trust God to work out the details…but I wanted them to be with us – I can’t lie.
Knowing we were officially not chosen hurts a little.
Of course we are trying to trust in the process and trust in God’s plan for us…and trust that this baby was not meant to be ours. But I wouldn't be honest if I didn't tell you that on some level a tiny little voice of insecurity wonders if I’m not just kidding myself.
Will anyone ever choose us?
Will anyone see past all of Matt’s disabilities and our unique situation and CHOOSE us to raise their child?
Of course it’s easy for those who know us to say YES…they know our strengths and capabilities, our faithfulness and think of course we would be wonderful parents to a lucky baby. But…is it too much to ask a complete stranger to see this as well?
Last night Matt and I were discussing these fears and insecurities…MY fears and insecurities, I should say. He is very secure. He’s not even contemplating these things, but is choosing (as he always is) to remain positive and trust that God is working out the details. And, when necessary, he’s prepared to ‘turn on the charm’.
Oh, how I love him! I hope our future birth family will grow to love him as well. He’s really an amazing guy and will be an incredible father.
This week we’ve received information on 3 more birth family situations and are contemplating if we want to pursue being presented to any of these. It's a flurry of activity! While I’m sad we didn’t get picked right away, I’m excited to contemplate these others and continue moving forward – trusting in God to work out the details.