Skip to main content

Mission Impossible

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this crazy dream of ours to have a family. (Weird, I know.) Last week, we talked a lot about things, after our first (and now second) official nos. I was feeling defeated…frustrated…and wondered if I was pushing for something that just wasn’t meant to be.
Recently we had a little t-shirt fundraiser for our adoption…and raised over $550! We had loving support from friends and family that was completely unexpected - it meant SO much to us. The t-shirt design says ‘Dare the Impossible’…which can be interpreted in any number of ways; to dare to reach for what seems impossible, to dare believe that the impossible IS possible, to trust that daring is worth doing. 
For us – for me - the significance of this shirt means all the more to me now. 
I have to admit - I feel like I’ve been half in with this whole adoption thing. I found myself praying for God to work out the details and trying to trust Him, but guarding my heart at the same time and preparing to be disappointed. I found it so hard to really believe that this dream would be realized…after so many years of high hopes and bitter disappointments. 
When I was young and wide-eyed I thought we’d have a baby as soon as we wanted. It was a bitter pill to swallow, realizing I couldn’t control this piece of my future. I’ve had to put my hopes and dreams of a child on the back burner for years. I’ve had to hide the pain and tears…the fears and disappointments. I’ve pretended and put on a brave face. I’ve avoided Mother’s Day and Father’s Day events. I’ve hardened my heart to other children. But not anymore. No more.

Of course I can’t know our future – I don’t know how God is going to work out the details of our future child.  What I do know is that I need to un-guard my heart. I need to be all in…come what may. I need to open my heart up completely to this process.  I need to BELIEVE that this dream is in my heart still…nearly 15 years later for a reason. 
I need to Dare the Impossible!!


Popular posts from this blog

Where We're at…Right Now

This whole adoption thing is tough stuff, friends. It is a roller coaster ride like no other. And I have to be honest – I’m still not sure this will be it for us. I want to believe it is…but I’m just.not.sure. Matt and I were on our way to church yesterday, listening to the 90’s station when the cult classic ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ came on. We both giggled…and may have turned it up a tad. Near the end we both howled out a woooo-woooo in near perfect, spontaneous, unison with dear mullet headed Billy Ray. It made me laugh instantly and I blurted out ‘we’re so perfect together’. And honestly – we are.
That thought stuck with me all morning.  We.are.perfect.together.  What we have – our marriage, our friendship, our devotion and commitment to each other….they are priceless. Our union is a blessing. It is blessed. 100% meant to be. No doubt in my mind. There is no one on this planet who could ever know me like Matt. We have been through hell and back together. In the hospital, shortly after his …

I may as well tell you...

I had a miscarriage. I’ve debated for weeks whether or not to acknowledge it publicly. It’s such a personal thing…and this is such a public medium. But a few months have gone by and I’m no closer to feeling ok about it and truly nothing else on my mind really compares, so here I am, letting the world in on my secret. Over the past few weeks I’ve found very little comfort in the fact that only a small handful of people know about the miscarriage. It became nearly unbearable this week, during all our wonderful family Christmas celebrations. Being surrounded by so many people who love me and support me and have no idea how my heart has been broken – it’s a lonely place to be. Not that I would want them all to bombard me with pity or questions or sad looks in their eyes – I realize I can’t have it both ways. But a little acknowledgement goes a long way and I simply can’t ignore or deny the fact that something major happened in my life and impacted me, impacts me still.
It was a warm, sunn…

Mother's Day Emotions

Mother’s Day weekend is coming and I’m finding myself all sorts of emotional – go figure. I think the anticipation of how I might feel on my very first Mother’s Day after so many years of hoping, waiting, and wondering sort of made it a bit anticlimactic. Or maybe I guarded my heart a little and didn’t fully let the magnitude of my emotions wash over me. Regardless, I find myself MUCH more emotional this time around.
Last night we watched a TV show about children growing up and moving out etc…and I actually cried. All those jerks who told me how fast children grow and how quickly the time moves…were right. Of course I feel how swiftly time moves the older I get…I blinked and now I’m in my (gulp) 40’s. But I simply could not have fathomed how I would feel about the amount of time I have to be Ethan’s mother. It feels finite. Fleeting. Just not enough.
Don’t get me wrong, I love watching Ethan grow! He is learning and changing and cracking me up all the time. He loves climbing, and runn…