Skip to main content

Fun(?) With Math

Those who know me, know that math is not my strong suit, not my passion, not even my mildest interest. I really stink at math and pretty much enjoy avoiding it as much as possible in my daily life – much to the chagrin of those with stronger math brains than mine. (My beloved tip cheat sheet always makes me smile and makes Matt roll his eyes.) Just the other day I was playing in a ping pong tourney at work and joked at how hard counting is – particularly when switching sides with your partner and keeping track of whose serve it is etc…doubles ping pong is HARD! (What department do you work in, they asked me?)
Recently I found myself doing some math, surrounding our journey to start a family. Specifically around Phase II of our journey – Phase I was soooo long ago and that sort of math does nothing but frustrate me on all sorts of levels so I try not to go there…much. But, just looking at Phase II, the math is also frustrating. I realized…it’s been 3 YEARS since we decided we wanted to try to have a baby again in earnest.  We spent 2 years trying various fertility treatments, experiencing our first, last, and only pregnancy – only to suffer a loss. We tried and tried and tried again…so many times, I lost track (and doing that kind of math is REALLY futile).
It was just over 1 year ago that we decided to step away from trying to achieve pregnancy and focused on hoping to fulfill our dreams of parenthood through adoption. We spent 5 months preparing to be approved and then 6 spent months waiting, waiting, waiting to hear about a match. We hired a consultant and have applied to 3 different agencies (and are preparing to apply to more).  We’ve had 4 situations we’ve presented to through these new agencies – and have yet to be chosen. Each potential yes, which resulted in a no, has brought a certain level of heartbreak. 
You can see, it gets hard to keep doing this math. So many months, so many years, so many potential situations…and don’t even get me started on trying to add up all the dollars spent. (Also depressing math.) I started to feel myself slipping into a math induced pity party…but then I started to think of other things to add up.
During these past 3 years we have known INNUMERABLE blessings. TOO many to count – which is my kind of math! We have been showered with the amazing love and support of our families, our friends, our neighbors, our coworkers, our church family, and even strangers. We have received cards, calls, texts, e-mails, hugs, prayers, t-shirt donations, cash donations, and adorable flamingos made their way around our neighborhood in our honor.  

While I can’t say when, where, or how this journey will end I can say for sure we have been loved throughout this entire journey – beyond measure…beyond math. 


Popular posts from this blog

Carrie Anne - The Beginning of the Story

So, I’ve been trying to sort out how to start this story. It’s been difficult to articulate. Difficult to pick which details to share, and which to hold close. But it’s a story too good, too beautiful, not to share – so here goes! When Matt and I first became parents, we thought our family was complete. We envisioned raising Ethan surrounded by loving friends and family – just the two of us. Given all that we had gone through to finally become parents, we felt content with just the one child. The most adorable boy in the whole wide world. Our Ethan was the apple of our eyes – the most amazing gift. We marveled at all of his accomplishments, soaked up all his love and personality, and celebrated the joy of parenthood at every exhausting, wonderful turn. Along the way, we’ve built a strong and loving relationship with Ethan’s birthmother. We visit yearly, and stay in close contact with pictures, emails, and texts. I have attempted to describe my feelings for her many times over the co…

Carrie - The Wait and the Big Arrival!

We arrived in Florida midday Saturday and made our way to the hospital where we met up with Ethan’s birthmother and her mother. We spent a long afternoon in the waiting room while the doctors and nurses put L through a myriad of tests. Finally, they verified the need to induce labor and proceeded to admit her to the hospital with plans to start the induction process Sunday. Exhausted, we left to check in at the hotel and ate what we thought may be our last supper before the baby came…but…. Sunday we arrived at the hospital mid-morning to see how things were progressing. The nurses gave L a medication to help start the dilation process around 12:30 PM…and told us it would likely take 12 hours for things to progress. We stepped out to enjoy the Florida sunshine for lunch for a bit, then settled in for the long haul at the hospital. We spent all afternoon, evening, and night together – holding watch over L as she slept. As we sat there, listening to the baby’s heart beating on the monit…

I may as well tell you...

I had a miscarriage. I’ve debated for weeks whether or not to acknowledge it publicly. It’s such a personal thing…and this is such a public medium. But a few months have gone by and I’m no closer to feeling ok about it and truly nothing else on my mind really compares, so here I am, letting the world in on my secret. Over the past few weeks I’ve found very little comfort in the fact that only a small handful of people know about the miscarriage. It became nearly unbearable this week, during all our wonderful family Christmas celebrations. Being surrounded by so many people who love me and support me and have no idea how my heart has been broken – it’s a lonely place to be. Not that I would want them all to bombard me with pity or questions or sad looks in their eyes – I realize I can’t have it both ways. But a little acknowledgement goes a long way and I simply can’t ignore or deny the fact that something major happened in my life and impacted me, impacts me still.
It was a warm, sunn…