Skip to main content

Ten Weeks

Ethan is ten weeks old today. Ten weeks. It seems like a lifetime ago that he came into our lives, and just yesterday at the same time. It’s still so crazy, thinking back on our time in Florida and all we went through these past few months since learning we were chosen to parent him.  He’s growing and changing so much – it’s incredible. But tens weeks has me a bit emotional.
I feel twelve weeks, and my return to work, steadily creeping up on us. And then I find it a bit hard to swallow the lump in my throat.
I have dreamed of being a mother for as long as I can remember. I have wondered for years what it would feel like to hold a baby of my own in my arms.
To snuggle a soft head against my cheek. 
To see a big toothless smile and coo just for me.
To stumble around at night warming bottles and changing diapers.
To sing quiet songs and whisper prayers of thanksgiving while rocking my sleeping baby.
I daydreamed and fantasized and wondered what it would be like…but none of that could have adequately prepared me for how my heart has been captured by this baby boy.
My Ethan.
Nothing could have prepared me for how I would feel being his mother. It is simply amazing. God-given. Wonderful. And oh-so bittersweet.
Tonight Ethan was fussy. He was gassy and irritable after another exhausting morning having blood drawn at the doctor’s office. I was exasperated trying to comfort him. But as frustration gave way to calmness and he finally gave in to sleep in my arms, I realized something. No one can bring him comfort the way that I can. No one knows him quite the way I do.
I am his mommy.
And he knows it.
I know all you mothers out there already know this – but my waiting heart just couldn’t conceive of it until now. Nothing has ever moved me like this precious gift – this answered prayer – this adorable, lovable, sweet baby Ethan. And being his mommy is just the best. I am so beyond thankful that I get to do it.
The next few weeks are bound to fly by and soon my days will be spent at the computer, and not hanging out with Ethan and Matt. My boys. My family. It will be a tough transition. One I can’t really fathom either. In the meantime, I’m doing my best to soak as much of it up as possible. My floors may get a little hairier, my fridge may be a little bit bare, my hair may be pulled up in a messy bun.
My arms will be busy holding my son. And it will all be worth it.


Popular posts from this blog

Where We're at…Right Now

This whole adoption thing is tough stuff, friends. It is a roller coaster ride like no other. And I have to be honest – I’m still not sure this will be it for us. I want to believe it is…but I’m just.not.sure. Matt and I were on our way to church yesterday, listening to the 90’s station when the cult classic ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ came on. We both giggled…and may have turned it up a tad. Near the end we both howled out a woooo-woooo in near perfect, spontaneous, unison with dear mullet headed Billy Ray. It made me laugh instantly and I blurted out ‘we’re so perfect together’. And honestly – we are.
That thought stuck with me all morning.  We.are.perfect.together.  What we have – our marriage, our friendship, our devotion and commitment to each other….they are priceless. Our union is a blessing. It is blessed. 100% meant to be. No doubt in my mind. There is no one on this planet who could ever know me like Matt. We have been through hell and back together. In the hospital, shortly after his …

I may as well tell you...

I had a miscarriage. I’ve debated for weeks whether or not to acknowledge it publicly. It’s such a personal thing…and this is such a public medium. But a few months have gone by and I’m no closer to feeling ok about it and truly nothing else on my mind really compares, so here I am, letting the world in on my secret. Over the past few weeks I’ve found very little comfort in the fact that only a small handful of people know about the miscarriage. It became nearly unbearable this week, during all our wonderful family Christmas celebrations. Being surrounded by so many people who love me and support me and have no idea how my heart has been broken – it’s a lonely place to be. Not that I would want them all to bombard me with pity or questions or sad looks in their eyes – I realize I can’t have it both ways. But a little acknowledgement goes a long way and I simply can’t ignore or deny the fact that something major happened in my life and impacted me, impacts me still.
It was a warm, sunn…

Mother's Day Emotions

Mother’s Day weekend is coming and I’m finding myself all sorts of emotional – go figure. I think the anticipation of how I might feel on my very first Mother’s Day after so many years of hoping, waiting, and wondering sort of made it a bit anticlimactic. Or maybe I guarded my heart a little and didn’t fully let the magnitude of my emotions wash over me. Regardless, I find myself MUCH more emotional this time around.
Last night we watched a TV show about children growing up and moving out etc…and I actually cried. All those jerks who told me how fast children grow and how quickly the time moves…were right. Of course I feel how swiftly time moves the older I get…I blinked and now I’m in my (gulp) 40’s. But I simply could not have fathomed how I would feel about the amount of time I have to be Ethan’s mother. It feels finite. Fleeting. Just not enough.
Don’t get me wrong, I love watching Ethan grow! He is learning and changing and cracking me up all the time. He loves climbing, and runn…