Skip to main content

Mother's Day Emotions

Mother’s Day weekend is coming and I’m finding myself all sorts of emotional – go figure. I think the anticipation of how I might feel on my very first Mother’s Day after so many years of hoping, waiting, and wondering sort of made it a bit anticlimactic. Or maybe I guarded my heart a little and didn’t fully let the magnitude of my emotions wash over me. Regardless, I find myself MUCH more emotional this time around.

Last night we watched a TV show about children growing up and moving out etc…and I actually cried. All those jerks who told me how fast children grow and how quickly the time moves…were right. Of course I feel how swiftly time moves the older I get…I blinked and now I’m in my (gulp) 40’s. But I simply could not have fathomed how I would feel about the amount of time I have to be Ethan’s mother. It feels finite. Fleeting. Just not enough.

Don’t get me wrong, I love watching Ethan grow! He is learning and changing and cracking me up all the time. He loves climbing, and running, and YELLING, and snuggling. He is happy (and dramatic when’s not) playful and just plain hilarious. But I can’t believe he’s going to be 2 years old in a few months. I can’t believe that it has been nearly 2 years since we got the call that would forever change our lives. SO many amazing memories wrapped up in these 2 years. Ethan has such a story to tell. So much love, excitement, anticipation, and loss. Of course, I’m so very aware that my greatest joy started with heartbreak for Ethan’s birthmother. I look at this blue eyed, blond haired sweet heart and I still can’t believe I GET to be his mother…that I was CHOSEN to be his mother. That I AM a mother. I’ve been living it for nearly 2 years now, and I still find it strange to say ‘my son’. I have a son. A beautiful, beautiful son.
How is it possible? How can it be? I spent so many years wondering what it would be like, hoping someday I would know the joy of motherhood, longing to hold a child of my own, wishing for Mother’s Day to bring me happiness rather than sadness. And now, I’m a mother. Finally…and always. It is so much more than I could have imagined. So much harder, and better, and different than I could have fathomed.

For me Mother’s Day will always bring a mix of emotions. I am so grateful for my own mother, grandmothers, aunts and women who’ve mothered me over the years. I am blessed beyond measure to finally be a mother myself to the sweetest little boy. But I will always pause to think of his birthmother and the sacrifice she made for him…and the amazing gift she has given me. I am a mother because of her. I could never fully express to her, to anyone, how that makes me feel.

And this week, as we prepare to celebrate the mothers in our lives, it makes me super emotional. So if you wish me a Happy Mother’s Day and I smile through tears – just know that I’m thankful…so very thankful…


Popular posts from this blog

Carrie Anne - The Beginning of the Story

So, I’ve been trying to sort out how to start this story. It’s been difficult to articulate. Difficult to pick which details to share, and which to hold close. But it’s a story too good, too beautiful, not to share – so here goes! When Matt and I first became parents, we thought our family was complete. We envisioned raising Ethan surrounded by loving friends and family – just the two of us. Given all that we had gone through to finally become parents, we felt content with just the one child. The most adorable boy in the whole wide world. Our Ethan was the apple of our eyes – the most amazing gift. We marveled at all of his accomplishments, soaked up all his love and personality, and celebrated the joy of parenthood at every exhausting, wonderful turn. Along the way, we’ve built a strong and loving relationship with Ethan’s birthmother. We visit yearly, and stay in close contact with pictures, emails, and texts. I have attempted to describe my feelings for her many times over the co…

Carrie - The Wait and the Big Arrival!

We arrived in Florida midday Saturday and made our way to the hospital where we met up with Ethan’s birthmother and her mother. We spent a long afternoon in the waiting room while the doctors and nurses put L through a myriad of tests. Finally, they verified the need to induce labor and proceeded to admit her to the hospital with plans to start the induction process Sunday. Exhausted, we left to check in at the hotel and ate what we thought may be our last supper before the baby came…but…. Sunday we arrived at the hospital mid-morning to see how things were progressing. The nurses gave L a medication to help start the dilation process around 12:30 PM…and told us it would likely take 12 hours for things to progress. We stepped out to enjoy the Florida sunshine for lunch for a bit, then settled in for the long haul at the hospital. We spent all afternoon, evening, and night together – holding watch over L as she slept. As we sat there, listening to the baby’s heart beating on the monit…

I may as well tell you...

I had a miscarriage. I’ve debated for weeks whether or not to acknowledge it publicly. It’s such a personal thing…and this is such a public medium. But a few months have gone by and I’m no closer to feeling ok about it and truly nothing else on my mind really compares, so here I am, letting the world in on my secret. Over the past few weeks I’ve found very little comfort in the fact that only a small handful of people know about the miscarriage. It became nearly unbearable this week, during all our wonderful family Christmas celebrations. Being surrounded by so many people who love me and support me and have no idea how my heart has been broken – it’s a lonely place to be. Not that I would want them all to bombard me with pity or questions or sad looks in their eyes – I realize I can’t have it both ways. But a little acknowledgement goes a long way and I simply can’t ignore or deny the fact that something major happened in my life and impacted me, impacts me still.
It was a warm, sunn…