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Mother's Day Emotions


Mother’s Day weekend is coming and I’m finding myself all sorts of emotional – go figure. I think the anticipation of how I might feel on my very first Mother’s Day after so many years of hoping, waiting, and wondering sort of made it a bit anticlimactic. Or maybe I guarded my heart a little and didn’t fully let the magnitude of my emotions wash over me. Regardless, I find myself MUCH more emotional this time around.

Last night we watched a TV show about children growing up and moving out etc…and I actually cried. All those jerks who told me how fast children grow and how quickly the time moves…were right. Of course I feel how swiftly time moves the older I get…I blinked and now I’m in my (gulp) 40’s. But I simply could not have fathomed how I would feel about the amount of time I have to be Ethan’s mother. It feels finite. Fleeting. Just not enough.

Don’t get me wrong, I love watching Ethan grow! He is learning and changing and cracking me up all the time. He loves climbing, and running, and YELLING, and snuggling. He is happy (and dramatic when’s not) playful and just plain hilarious. But I can’t believe he’s going to be 2 years old in a few months. I can’t believe that it has been nearly 2 years since we got the call that would forever change our lives. SO many amazing memories wrapped up in these 2 years. Ethan has such a story to tell. So much love, excitement, anticipation, and loss. Of course, I’m so very aware that my greatest joy started with heartbreak for Ethan’s birthmother. I look at this blue eyed, blond haired sweet heart and I still can’t believe I GET to be his mother…that I was CHOSEN to be his mother. That I AM a mother. I’ve been living it for nearly 2 years now, and I still find it strange to say ‘my son’. I have a son. A beautiful, beautiful son.
How is it possible? How can it be? I spent so many years wondering what it would be like, hoping someday I would know the joy of motherhood, longing to hold a child of my own, wishing for Mother’s Day to bring me happiness rather than sadness. And now, I’m a mother. Finally…and always. It is so much more than I could have imagined. So much harder, and better, and different than I could have fathomed.

For me Mother’s Day will always bring a mix of emotions. I am so grateful for my own mother, grandmothers, aunts and women who’ve mothered me over the years. I am blessed beyond measure to finally be a mother myself to the sweetest little boy. But I will always pause to think of his birthmother and the sacrifice she made for him…and the amazing gift she has given me. I am a mother because of her. I could never fully express to her, to anyone, how that makes me feel.

And this week, as we prepare to celebrate the mothers in our lives, it makes me super emotional. So if you wish me a Happy Mother’s Day and I smile through tears – just know that I’m thankful…so very thankful…

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