Karwoski Life

So it’s the start of a new year (ish), and that always prompts a little spring cleaning around the office. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting my little corner of cubicle world – you know that I have very little blank space on my gray walls. I mean, who wants to look at sad, drab, gray walls all day?? When not busy working, of course. I prefer to look up and see things that make me smile; happy mementos of fun times, pictures my favorite kids have made me, photos from awesome places I’ve been, certificates of accomplishment (both professional and personal) which inspire me, all sorts of things which remind me of the countless blessings in my life. For a long time – seven years, to be exact – I had this picture of Matt and me from vacation 2005. It was his 30th birthday and he had caught that really awesome walleye, while I had caught a couple small perch. I’ve posted this picture before – it’s definitely a favorite…special in so many ways. I used to look at the picture long...

Sometimes just when I think I know Matt, he does something that totally takes me by surprise…in a good way. I debated whether or not I wanted to write about his latest little surprise,  but something like this…well, I couldn’t let it pass by without comment. Matt’s Uncle Denny is sick. He’s battling a recurrence of cancer that has really taken its toll on him physically and emotionally. Matt and I are getting regular updates on his condition through family e-mails and phone calls – and he’s really been on our minds and hearts the past few weeks. Earlier this week we got out a card to send to Denny – to let him know we were thinking of him and Matt took a few minutes to sign the card. Typically Matt writes very little…ever. Of course he has to use his left hand, which is awkward and unnatural and even then…the tremor really kicks in on the right side when he’s concentrating so hard. The result is usually shaky and he thinks it looks bad – so he typically keeps his writing to h...

I had a miscarriage. I’ve debated for weeks whether or not to acknowledge it publicly. It’s such a personal thing…and this is such a public medium. But a few months have gone by and I’m no closer to feeling ok about it and truly nothing else on my mind really compares, so here I am, letting the world in on my secret. Over the past few weeks I’ve found very little comfort in the fact that only a small handful of people know about the miscarriage. It became nearly unbearable this week, during all our wonderful family Christmas celebrations. Being surrounded by so many people who love me and support me and have no idea how my heart has been broken – it’s a lonely place to be. Not that I would want them all to bombard me with pity or questions or sad looks in their eyes – I realize I can’t have it both ways. But a little acknowledgement goes a long way and I simply can’t ignore or deny the fact that something major happened in my life and impacted me, impacts me still.   It was a ...

So last week Matt and I visited Younker Rehab to meet with an outpatient physical therapist and a mobility/seating specialist to discuss options for a new set of wheels for Matt. We were excited for the possibility of ditching the old wheels for something slightly smaller, lighter perhaps, and better fitting to him…but once we started making our ways through the oh-so-familiar hallways I started to freak out a bit. My stomach was in knots, my palms were sweaty…I suddenly flashed back to long, long days in those hallways…enduring hours and hours of grueling therapy.   It must have been post-traumatic stress! While there were days of hope and days filled with promise, in general it was a very dark time for us. I still can’t believe all that we’ve been through…but anyway, we met with the specialists and it didn’t take long for my heebie jeebies to pass. Soon we were discussing Matt’s needs, and the VAST array of options – our minds spinning at how many things there were to consider....

My sister and I have always had a love/hate/love relationship. ‘Hope’s the Pope who smokes dope’, I would taunt. ‘Emily FAAAG’, she would cleverly reply. On more than one occasion she tried to convince me I was adopted, and I have oodles of scars on my arms from her razor sharp finger nails. Many a tantrum was thrown in our childhood home…stomping feet, slamming doors, narrowed eyes and curled lips.   There was the time I refused to unlock the front door to let her in and she refused to walk around to the unlocked back door. The time when I was driving her crazy making obnoxious sounds with the vacuum cleaner wand…until she kicked it and chipped my tooth. Of course she got in trouble, because I was miss perfect. Over the years we ripped each other’s posters, stole each other’s clothes, and annoyed each other’s friend to no end. Our parents gave up being referee and eventually told us to work things out on our own…perhaps not the fairest trade, since we could both be pretty mean w...

You take the good, you take the bad. You take them both and there you have, the Facts of Life. If you’re a child of the 80’s you’re singing the rest of those lyrics in your head right now…and if you’re anything like me, they’ll be stuck in there for a good, long while. Sorry for that. These lyrics have been stuck on repeat in my mind for the past several weeks…as it seems we are experiencing an unusual bumpy road lately. In a matter of four weeks, we have experienced the lowest lows and the highest highs…and some good stuff in between. I’m not sure how much detail I can or want to post on this blog…so we’ll see. I apologize in advance if I seem a little vague. Let’s just say this…it’s been rough. My world has been shaken, my heart has been broken and we’ve both shed more than just a few tears.  We’ve struggled to make the pieces fit together and try to come to some sort of understanding as to why things happen the way they do. We’ve struggled to reconcile such extreme emotions ...

So September rolled around again…that sneaky month I love and used to dread all at the same time. It signifies so much – the changing seasons, the coming fall (FULL of things we love), Matt’s birthday, and of course the anniversary of when everything changed for us. September 14 th . Each year, as I reflect on the date, I never know quite how I’m going to feel. Some years it’s easy, some years, not so much. But every year I definitely find myself pausing a bit and reflecting on things. This year, September 14 th came and nearly went without us even being aware. We had started September with so many good things.  We’d spent Labor Day weekend relaxing with my parents in Oklahoma – kicking off our first Football Saturday at their place (complete with chex mix and victories for both IA and ISU!). We’d had our goddaughter overnight – loving up on a very special toddler always fills our heart with joy.  We’d celebrated Matt’s birthday with family and looked forward to man...