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Saturday Update: 03/18/2006

It’s about midnight, and I find myself sitting here at this computer, trying so hard to keep it together. I started this blog in part to keep everyone updated on what was happening with Matt…but also in part to get some of my feelings and thoughts out there…as a sort of therapy for myself. It seems that as time as gone by, I have taken a lot of my feelings out of these posts and mostly reported on the status of things…and now I find myself overflowing with emotions.

For so long I have been strong. I have been practical. I have been focused on the tasks laid out before us. I have tried so hard to put aside my feelings of loss and grief, of fear and anger. Very early on, I lectured everyone in my family, in Matt’s family, to put our feelings of grief and mourning behind us…to move on and focus on Matt’s recovery. I didn’t want Matt to see our sadness and interpret it negatively. I wanted to protect him from it as much as possible. In doing so, I think I denied everyone the opportunity to really feel what was in their hearts. I know I have done it to myself. I’ll just flat out say it….I need to flat out say it. I am so sad. I miss my Matt so desperately. I told him tonight that I miss the conversations that we would have…and yet, I don’t know if I truly even remember what they were like. It has been so long. We talk, and share things now more that we did in the past several months…but yet I feel that the new us is so different from the old us and I think it is now finally hitting me. I don’t know if I just expected Matt to suddenly reappear over time, or what. But he is different now. He told me once that he was just a shell of the person he was before. I refused to believe that...insisting that he was still the same person and things would be the same. Well, things may never be the same. Have I accepted that? I’m not sure I have. I look at pictures of us and I just want that back so desperately. I find myself laying in bed and recalling conversations we had in that very room…I remember thinking how unfair it was that we couldn’t have a baby. I remember how tenderly Matt hugged me and told me things would work out ok in the end. I know at the time I thought that it was the worst kind of pain and loss I would ever have to deal with. That the worst life-altering experience for us would be dealing with infertility. How could I have imagined this?

Looking back, I do believe that our not having had children before has turned out to be a very big blessing. We would have had a terrible time dealing with kids and this situation. I know that God was preparing us. But I will always struggle with why.
It is so hard to comprehend why things like this happen to people. As strong as I am, and as much faith as I have…I struggle. I pray for the endurance to handle this in the months and years to come. It is such a long journey…so much longer than I really acknowledged in the beginning. I don’t know how things are going to turn out. I don’t know how close to ‘normal’ Matt is going to get. I don’t know if we will ever have what we had. And all this uncertainty is nearly unbearable at times.

I feel pulled in a million directions nearly all of the time. I juggle my job, housework, tending to the dogs, the cat, the bills, the groceries, the cars, etc…and to Matt. It is so much. And I’m not asking for pity, or sympathy, or help…I just want to be honest about how things really are. Matt IS getting better. Matt is a trooper, like none I have ever known. We ARE getting through this. We will continue to press on. But, man…does it suck.

Phew…I have spilled a lot in this post. More than I thought I would. Probably more than I should have. But I definitely, definitely needed to. At the end of the day, Matt and I will keep doing whatever needs to be done to keep his recovery going. And I know that one day it will all be worth it. I pray that one day we will look back and be amazed at all we went through, and all we were able to accomplish and feel proud and relieved to have it behind us. Please keep us in your prayers. We need strength and patience, healing and faith. We have so much left to overcome.

Comments

Hi Emily,

It was good to see you and Matt in church yesterday! I can only imagine how much of a struggle it is to get ready and get to church.

It was good to read your Saturday post. I've been praying for you and for Matt. Again, I can't imagine what it's like to go through what you and Matt have gone through in the past 9 months or so.

Always know that you've got love and support, and a shoulder to cry on (and a pair of ears to "chew off"), at Westover Baptist (including the pastor's office).

Hang in there, Emily. You'll make it through this. Jesus won't let you down!

Your friend and pastor,

Pastor Dean

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