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Tuesday Update: 04/17/07

I broke down a little tonight, while fixing supper. It had been a little while, so I guess I was due. I was just feeling frustrated and overwhelmed with things. Things have slowed down with our house plans…slowed way down. The builder told us that things would take time to get going, that the planning phase can be lengthy, but I don’t really think I knew it would be like this. It seems to take 2 weeks to even get a chance to talk to him. Originally we had thought we’d be looking at lots with him this week, but his schedule has booked up and now it looks like next week is the earliest we can meet up. I hate to complain…I don’t want to seem ungrateful…but it is so hard to continue to be patient. I’m not sure he, or anyone for that matter, truly understands how hard it is to keep up this pace. I find myself running around nearly all the time. I have very little breathing room between work, Matt’s therapy schedule, his needs, and all my many responsibilities at home. The dogs, the housework, the bills, the cat and his stinking litter, maintenance on the cars, the house, the yard…whatever. It all falls on my shoulders. And I’m not saying that for pity, or because I want someone to help me…because there is no helping me. These are my burdens…this is the way it is. But, when we first decided to build a house, we both began to realize all the many ways we could both benefit from this change. There are so many ways that our burdens will be lightened…I can’t even tell you. Just know that it will be significant…life-changing. And we both need this change. For a while I think we both ran on impulse; we were in autopilot. Just shifting through the gears and handling each phase, crisis, or event in stride. You’d be amazed at how long you can do that…and then one day, the gas runs out. The wind calms and your sails deflate…and then you have to dig really deep to find your motivation, your fuel to keep going. For me, it was knowing that soon we’d be living in a house where responsibilities could once again be shared, where Matt would enjoy freedom and more independence, where I wouldn’t be needed so much for things, where I could more easily maintain things. All of these little burdens have over time piled upon each other to a nearly insurmountable summit; sometimes leaving me incredibly frustrated and exhausted. Just knowing that soon many of those burdens would be relieved was huge to me…is huge to me. I just feel like it is taking so much longer than I had expected, and now I’m having to dig deep for that motivation. I know that one day, when we look back we’ll say how it was all worth it. That we are going to have a much better house, and all our needs will be met…but it is hard, right now, to look ahead and see that day. I just pray for the patience, endurance, and strength to press on.

Yesterday we traveled to Iowa City for a check up with the eye doctors. After much poking, prodding, and discussing we have decided to try another surgery. It will be similar to the first one, tweaking the muscles they originally worked on to try and realign Matt’s eyes better. We have this surgery scheduled for June 19th. While Matt isn’t looking forward to going through another procedure, he is hoping that the results will get him where he wants to be. It would be a huge milestone for him, that’s for sure. In the meantime, he continues to wear the patch with his glasses and contacts. While it’s not ideal, he does like it better than the glasses with tape.

Everything else is pretty much status quo…he continues to work hard in therapy, enjoys his weekly ride out at Timbercreek, and is looking forward to the summer and some fun trips we’ve got planned…as well as spending time relaxing at home…something he missed a lot of last summer!!

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