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Friday Update: 09/14/07

It’s a beautiful day today…sunny and cool, the perfect fall day. Much like it was 2 years ago. Matt and I talked briefly last night about how strange it is that two whole years have gone by since all this happened. Matt, being the easy going guy he is, was just going to treat today like any other day and not dwell on its significance. While I can totally appreciate where he’s coming from, I struggle with maintaining that sort of attitude on a day like today. I can forget about it most of the time, go about my business and not even think about it...but then it creeps back in, triggered by some sort of subconscious memory, smell, or sound. This morning I had to pull over on my way to work for an ambulance…an ambulance heading south, taking the same route of the ambulance we took to the hospital that day. I shuddered, thinking about how surreal it was riding in that ambulance, Matt on the gurney in the back, the paramedics trying to restrain him and keep him calm. All I could think of was the person in that ambulance and what they must be going through. And then I remembered parts of my own experience…I remember my neighbor walking up to the ambulance window and asking me what he could do to help…I remember calling Matt’s sister…and the paramedic handing me Matt’s watch through the pass through window. I remember sitting quietly all the way there, numb to my surroundings…in a daze of confusion and fear. All I wanted in that moment was Matt to help comfort me…and yet ironically he was the one person who couldn’t.

I’m sure that September 14th will always be a day when memories flood me…I’m sure that I will always look back to that day and remember the scenes. I know that this year, it is easier than last year…and I trust that the coming years will ease the grief and pain this day brings. I know that some people will look back on this day and think about all that we’ve lost, and how different things are now and grieve. For me, I think I’m still coping with the scars of enduring that day…and the days following. I don’t know if I will ever fully get past the range of emotions I felt coming home and finding Matt, calling 911, waiting anxiously for answers at the hospital, dealing with the stress of the unknown…and the weeks when I felt so disconnected from my Matt. Surrounded by loving friends and my wonderful family, I had never felt so alone. The one person who knew me best, loved me most, was unable to show it. I clung to the hope that one day he would return to me and we would go on…Matt and Emily. Today, I am so grateful that Matt has returned to me…that we are moving on…that our life is going forward and we are back to being Matt and Emily. Things will never, can never be the same. But I think for the most part we have accepted that…and are just relieved to have each other. It’s not easy…and there are times when we both just cry with frustration. But in the end, I know that we are so very fortunate to have each other…and that is what gets us through. Our faith that our future will be good, and that our love endures, is all that matters.

So today, as you remember us, and what this day means to us, (as well as yourself), I just ask that you all say a little pray of thanksgiving for our blessings, that God has been so good to us, and pray for a happy and full year ahead of us. I ask that we would all try not to dwell on the significance of this day…as hard as I know it is…in a negative way, but rather look forward in hope and simply enjoy life for what it is – an opportunity.

I am grateful for the opportunity to continue living my life with Matt. He is a great guy…always has been, always will be.

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