Skip to main content

Friday Update: 09/14/07

It’s a beautiful day today…sunny and cool, the perfect fall day. Much like it was 2 years ago. Matt and I talked briefly last night about how strange it is that two whole years have gone by since all this happened. Matt, being the easy going guy he is, was just going to treat today like any other day and not dwell on its significance. While I can totally appreciate where he’s coming from, I struggle with maintaining that sort of attitude on a day like today. I can forget about it most of the time, go about my business and not even think about it...but then it creeps back in, triggered by some sort of subconscious memory, smell, or sound. This morning I had to pull over on my way to work for an ambulance…an ambulance heading south, taking the same route of the ambulance we took to the hospital that day. I shuddered, thinking about how surreal it was riding in that ambulance, Matt on the gurney in the back, the paramedics trying to restrain him and keep him calm. All I could think of was the person in that ambulance and what they must be going through. And then I remembered parts of my own experience…I remember my neighbor walking up to the ambulance window and asking me what he could do to help…I remember calling Matt’s sister…and the paramedic handing me Matt’s watch through the pass through window. I remember sitting quietly all the way there, numb to my surroundings…in a daze of confusion and fear. All I wanted in that moment was Matt to help comfort me…and yet ironically he was the one person who couldn’t.

I’m sure that September 14th will always be a day when memories flood me…I’m sure that I will always look back to that day and remember the scenes. I know that this year, it is easier than last year…and I trust that the coming years will ease the grief and pain this day brings. I know that some people will look back on this day and think about all that we’ve lost, and how different things are now and grieve. For me, I think I’m still coping with the scars of enduring that day…and the days following. I don’t know if I will ever fully get past the range of emotions I felt coming home and finding Matt, calling 911, waiting anxiously for answers at the hospital, dealing with the stress of the unknown…and the weeks when I felt so disconnected from my Matt. Surrounded by loving friends and my wonderful family, I had never felt so alone. The one person who knew me best, loved me most, was unable to show it. I clung to the hope that one day he would return to me and we would go on…Matt and Emily. Today, I am so grateful that Matt has returned to me…that we are moving on…that our life is going forward and we are back to being Matt and Emily. Things will never, can never be the same. But I think for the most part we have accepted that…and are just relieved to have each other. It’s not easy…and there are times when we both just cry with frustration. But in the end, I know that we are so very fortunate to have each other…and that is what gets us through. Our faith that our future will be good, and that our love endures, is all that matters.

So today, as you remember us, and what this day means to us, (as well as yourself), I just ask that you all say a little pray of thanksgiving for our blessings, that God has been so good to us, and pray for a happy and full year ahead of us. I ask that we would all try not to dwell on the significance of this day…as hard as I know it is…in a negative way, but rather look forward in hope and simply enjoy life for what it is – an opportunity.

I am grateful for the opportunity to continue living my life with Matt. He is a great guy…always has been, always will be.


Popular posts from this blog

Carrie Anne - The Beginning of the Story

So, I’ve been trying to sort out how to start this story. It’s been difficult to articulate. Difficult to pick which details to share, and which to hold close. But it’s a story too good, too beautiful, not to share – so here goes! When Matt and I first became parents, we thought our family was complete. We envisioned raising Ethan surrounded by loving friends and family – just the two of us. Given all that we had gone through to finally become parents, we felt content with just the one child. The most adorable boy in the whole wide world. Our Ethan was the apple of our eyes – the most amazing gift. We marveled at all of his accomplishments, soaked up all his love and personality, and celebrated the joy of parenthood at every exhausting, wonderful turn. Along the way, we’ve built a strong and loving relationship with Ethan’s birthmother. We visit yearly, and stay in close contact with pictures, emails, and texts. I have attempted to describe my feelings for her many times over the co…

Carrie - The Wait and the Big Arrival!

We arrived in Florida midday Saturday and made our way to the hospital where we met up with Ethan’s birthmother and her mother. We spent a long afternoon in the waiting room while the doctors and nurses put L through a myriad of tests. Finally, they verified the need to induce labor and proceeded to admit her to the hospital with plans to start the induction process Sunday. Exhausted, we left to check in at the hotel and ate what we thought may be our last supper before the baby came…but…. Sunday we arrived at the hospital mid-morning to see how things were progressing. The nurses gave L a medication to help start the dilation process around 12:30 PM…and told us it would likely take 12 hours for things to progress. We stepped out to enjoy the Florida sunshine for lunch for a bit, then settled in for the long haul at the hospital. We spent all afternoon, evening, and night together – holding watch over L as she slept. As we sat there, listening to the baby’s heart beating on the monit…

I may as well tell you...

I had a miscarriage. I’ve debated for weeks whether or not to acknowledge it publicly. It’s such a personal thing…and this is such a public medium. But a few months have gone by and I’m no closer to feeling ok about it and truly nothing else on my mind really compares, so here I am, letting the world in on my secret. Over the past few weeks I’ve found very little comfort in the fact that only a small handful of people know about the miscarriage. It became nearly unbearable this week, during all our wonderful family Christmas celebrations. Being surrounded by so many people who love me and support me and have no idea how my heart has been broken – it’s a lonely place to be. Not that I would want them all to bombard me with pity or questions or sad looks in their eyes – I realize I can’t have it both ways. But a little acknowledgement goes a long way and I simply can’t ignore or deny the fact that something major happened in my life and impacted me, impacts me still.
It was a warm, sunn…