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Tuesday Update: 08/05/08

I’m sorry I haven’t posted much lately…I think I’ve kind of been in a funk. A big part of the funk is the heavy heart I have right now for my dear friend Julie. I had written about her a few months ago…her and her miracle pregnancy. Well, the past few weeks have been incredibly tough for her and her husband Scott. Long story short…Julie’s baby has some major difficulties to overcome…heart and brain problems. There are a lot of unknowns at this point…but the scariness of the unknown future is at times so terribly difficult to bear. Julie has spent the past several weeks in the hospital in Sioux Falls, and her son Graham was delivered 3 weeks early, on Saturday. It is just so hard being this far away and not being able to comfort her like I want to. I don’t want to call at a bad time. I don’t want to bug her in the midst of all this…but my heart just aches for her. I hate that she has to go through this…and I just wish I were able to do something. I look back at this picture of us from high school and think about how we had our whole futures ahead of us…wide and open and bright. And we both have wonderful families and husbands to be thankful for…but then we both experienced the pain of infertility and the heartbreak that comes along with giving up on having your own biological children. It was a bitter coincidence we shared…and I took comfort in being able to confide in my closest friend about our struggles and she knew exactly how I felt. And then when they adopted Caden, I drove three hours just to spend a few hours with her and the baby, before turning around and driving 3 hours back home…I was so excited to see my Julie as a MOM! When Matt was in the hospital, she came to the ICU with cookies and a fruit basket from her mother…I think back to all the things we have been through over the years as friends, and I just feel so helpless being this far away…and not knowing what to do or say to her. I know she knows how much I care, and how much I’m thinking of her…I just wish I could be there for her. I know how faithful many of you have been in praying for us, and if you could say a little prayer for my dear friend and her tiny baby Graham, I know she’d appreciate it.

I think I’ve also just been feeling the sting of our own circumstances a little more recently too. I’m not sure why…it just comes and goes. I’m sure I must sound like a person with bi-polar disorder…the way my posts can swing from happy to sad so quickly. But sometimes when I’m feeling low, it helps to spew a little in this forum. This is the time of year for vacations and fun trips, parties, and goings on…and unfortunately hearing other people talk about these things only reminds me of our limitations. We can’t just up and go some place in a moment’s notice. We can’t just flit from here to there. As much as I wish we could…we can’t. And the reality is we may never be able to. I go back and forth between wanting to adopt children, and then thinking how hard it would be to take care of a baby and meet all of Matt’s needs as well. And yet, it seems so unfair to me to have to sacrifice one thing for another. While things are undoubtedly easier for us in the new house...I still bear the brunt of most responsibilities and after a long day of work, that wears on me. And although some might suggest Matt help pick up the slack…truly there isn’t much more he could do to lighten the load. He does a great job, doing what he can…and the rest just has to fall to me to do. And most of the time, I can take it…and I can take it with a smile and a prayer of gratefulness in my heart…but other times I just get beat down by it all and want to scream at the unfairness of it all. I don’t have someone to help carry the heavy loads, do the man jobs, or fix things, or make dinner, or get groceries…and the list goes on. I know, I know…I’m getting pretty whiney here – and I apologize for that. I don’t want to seem or be ungrateful for anything. I just try to remember that it is what it is…and I can’t do anything to change it. All I can do is try and make the most of it. And so, that is what we do.

This past weekend we had a visit from an old high school friend of Matt’s. I’ve actually never met him before, and it’d been nearly 13 years since they’d last seen each other…but he had e-mailed Matt a few times while he was in China and said he’d have to stop by sometime when he was back in Iowa. So, he stopped over for a few hours on Saturday to catch up. It was really nice for Matt and I thought it was so thoughtful of Chad to stop by. We also had Meghan overnight Saturday. We played outside in the sprinkler and she helped me plant some flowers and wash the car. She got invited to go over and play on the water slide in my neighbor’s back yard and had a blast over there for a good hour or so, while I slaved away vacuuming out the car. We had fun that evening, just hanging out. We watched a Muppet movie, played Barbie’s, and of course she got to swim in the big bath tub. She was really good the whole time and I really enjoyed having her over. She was even quiet and well-behaved in church!! One of these days I know Hope and Chad are going to try and get us to keep Matthew overnight too…but not for a while!!! He’s a little too wild for me yet!! Sunday afternoon we just hung out inside, where it was cool and comfortable and watched the race. It was just nasty hot outside and neither one of us wanted to do anything. Buddy is shedding all over the house in this heat…big tufts of black hair everywhere…got to love having pets! Hopefully our fence will be going in soon and I can enjoy letting them run around without having to worry they’ll run OFF! I’m sure they’ll enjoy that too!

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