Trusting Through It

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about trust. Trusting in my future. Trusting in the bigger plan.  Trusting that come what may, I will have what I need to get through, just as I have time and time again. It’s so hard, when you’re in the middle of a trial or a struggle of some sort – to trust that better days are ahead. It’s hard when things seem to be falling out of place to see how the pieces are supposed to fit together.  When what you thought was the plan, turns out not to be, it’s hard.

In my own life, I’ve struggled with trusting through trials. Sometimes trust came easier than others.  When Matt had his stroke I had no choice. Trusting was all I had; it was all I could do. It was very clear right from the start that nothing I did, or didn’t do, was going to have much impact on the outcome. Of course we would commit to following the doctor’s protocols, enduring months of rehabilitation and hard work and the end result would be progress and a life worth living. But in that time, I had to trust.  Trust that the money would be there to fund all that rehab. Trust that we would be able to make ends meet on my salary alone. Trust that my job would be flexible and waiting for my fulltime return. Trust that Matt would progress enough to come home. Trust that we would be able to modify our home enough for him to be somewhat independent. Trust that someday Matt would return to me, to himself, in some way or another. Trust that in the end we would have what we needed to make it through the worst of times. And boy, did we ever.

We were blown away by the blessings which came to us through that dark time. The generosity from friends, family, and even strangers was incredible. Piece after miraculous piece seemed to fall into place after our lives completely blew up. Our hearts were full of gratitude and humility. So many amazing gifts and friends came to us as a direct result of Matt’s stroke. It changed us completely. People would try to commend me, us, for our strength and perseverance. But again and again I would point the finger elsewhere. It didn’t come from me. It came TO me. We were blessed with God’s peace, strength, and hope. It is through Him alone that we came through all of that as we have.

But I’ve been struggling more recently with trusting in God’s plan for our family. I hate to say it out loud, and I don’t speak about it a lot…but it’s true. We are infertile. We will not be able to have a family of our own without a lot of medical intervention. And we’ve medically intervened about as much as a couple possibly can. We’ve paid thousands upon thousands of dollars for various treatments.  We spent countless months and years hoping, wishing, and trying for a baby of our own. We’ve given up, and tried again, and given up at least a handful of times. And yet we still want to try again. I have to believe that the yearning in our hearts to have a family is there for a reason. I have to believe that the amazing love I see between Matt and other children is there for a reason. I have to believe that there will be a happy end to this story…eventually. But then again…it’s not up to me. We have done just about everything in our power to achieve this dream, but so far the happy ending eludes us. It’s frustrating, needless to say. It’s heartbreaking – in ways that no one can understand because EVERYONE I know, even those who struggled with infertility, eventually found a way to their children.  Who can possibly know what it feels like to honestly contemplate never being able to fulfill that dream? Who can know that deep, DEEP hurt? Only one. And He is who I have to trust.

I have to trust that if this prayer is not to be answered as I have so desperately hoped it would…I will still be ok. We will still be ok. Despite all we have done to try and make it happen – at the end of the day, life is a miracle and we simply can’t will it to be.  It’s hard to give up that control – I’m not 100% there yet. But I’m trying…

This past week our church was faced with a situation where trusting in God’s plan and will for our church’s future was tested…a lot. As a result, many are questioning, doubting, hurting, and struggling as they try to make heads or tails of things.  Sunday’s service did a lot, I hope, to help heal the hurt felt in the congregation. The service was uncannily presented to help us try and focus on trusting once again.  As we all gathered, arm in arm, to sing the old Hymn ‘Great is Thy Faithfulness’, there were many wet eyes and quivering chins…myself included. I needed to hear this message. Not just in the context of the trials in my church family…but also in my own life and my struggle with infertility. I needed to be reassured, as only the Holy Spirit can, that God is faithful…to me. That He will see me through today, just as He has time and time again. That come what may – baby or no baby – what Matt and I have together is beautiful. And strong. And a wonderful, wonderful gift from God himself. And that is not nothing.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,

There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!