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Where We're at…Right Now

This whole adoption thing is tough stuff, friends.
It is a roller coaster ride like no other. And I have to be honest – I’m still not sure this will be it for us. I want to believe it is…but I’m just.not.sure.
Matt and I were on our way to church yesterday, listening to the 90’s station when the cult classic ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ came on. We both giggled…and may have turned it up a tad. Near the end we both howled out a woooo-woooo in near perfect, spontaneous, unison with dear mullet headed Billy Ray. It made me laugh instantly and I blurted out ‘we’re so perfect together’. And honestly – we are.
That thought stuck with me all morning. 
What we have – our marriage, our friendship, our devotion and commitment to each other….they are priceless. Our union is a blessing. It is blessed. 100% meant to be. No doubt in my mind. There is no one on this planet who could ever know me like Matt. We have been through hell and back together. In the hospital, shortly after his stroke, I would look him in the eye and say ‘you and me…it’s just you and me’. Despite all the craziness swirling around us, as long as we had each other – we’d be ok.
So yesterday I was struck by this…are we…is what we have…enough? Is this what is supposed to be for us. Just the two of us – going through this life together. No kids.
Church was moving for me in so many other ways yesterday. I was moved to tears more than once through beautiful music, words, and many messages through them…straight to my heart. Poor Matt was thoroughly confused and I had to scribble it down for him. As I sat nestled with his arm wrapped around my shoulder, he pulled me tighter and smiled at me.
We talked a lot yesterday…about where we are right now. Truth is, we don’t know where God is leading us. We are coming close to needing to renew our home study…one full year of being approved to adopt is closing in. We have been shown to several birth mothers over the past few months - which have all chosen other families. And so we are wondering – do we move forward with the renewed home study? Or do we bow out? Do we give it more time? Or do we let go of the dream? We don’t know. What we agreed is to pray and really try and seek God’s will and purpose for us. I know that how we live our life is a testimony. I know that just being us and living with joy and purpose is a lot. I know we have so very much to be thankful for. But, walking away from this dream is hard. Really, really, REALLY hard.
I posed the question to some other adoption friends of mine – who've been through this waiting phase and questioned their own future. One of their responses resonated with us both:
Florence Chadwick was a woman who had swum the English Channel, and decided one day she wanted to swim from Catalina Island to the shore of CA- 26 miles! She had a boat traveling with her for safety. After a period of time a thick dense fog came up that caused her to be disoriented and scared- so she motioned for the boat to get her. When she was aboard, she explained she didn't stop because she was cold or even tired- she couldn't see where she was going. They were all in shock- and hated telling her she was just a half mile from the shore.  Sometimes God, or the enemy, or free will, or anything- comes in and causes a great disorienting fog in our life. We may be so close to the finish line we could taste it, without the fog.’
We don’t have the answers right now. Is it fog disorienting us from the plan? Or is the fog here to help show me the way? Either way – I hope you will pray along with us that we will feel that peace which passes all understanding and trust in God’s plan.


Anonymous said…
You both have great insight, great love, and I know no matter what the two of you will be lead to the light!! I love you!!
Mike said…
M & E - So long since we talked and I looked at your blog!!! We were blessed by adoption, as you know, and I hope it leads you down the road of parenthood. Having recently struggled (and will struggle with the rest of my life) this issue of children and moreso AFTER we adopted than before (so weird), I encourage you to renew your home study unless you've renewed it more than once. I guess the way I look at it, if you're name's not out there, there's no being "open" to His direction as the connection rarely occurs out of the blue. In the meantime, may you both continue your personal journeys toward true relationship and satisfaction, comfort, contentment that can only come through Jesus Himself. Only He can fill that longing, it may sound like an easy answer or one you've heard before, but it rings true in my life and so many others' that I know. I often think of this verse, Isaiah 53:10-12. Jesus' "offspring" were the children He died for, He never had His own per se on this earth. I can't help but think that on the new earth there's going to be some pretty special jobs for those who never got to have children. I don't mean to trivialize the purpose of Christ's first coming or His 2nd coming AT ALL, but I know He knows our longings and I know we will be satisfied someday!!! The Lord bless you in your journey along the way, wherever it leads. Love in Him, Amy

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