Skip to main content

For Real...

I’ve been thinking a lot…a lot about Ethan’s birth mother. I’ve been trying to formulate some thoughts to try and articulate how I’ve been feeling about her…so here we go.
First of all – adoption is complicated. The relationship between birth parents and adoptive parents is complicated. When we first started talking about adoption, I’ll admit I had real mixed emotions about how this relationship would evolve. Just the term birth mother made me somewhat uncomfortable. The idea that my child could have another family out there who he could have a relationship with over time, made me nervous and insecure. I read other adoption stories where the adoptive parents described their open adoptions with a level of emotion I found – well, rather fake. I just couldn’t fathom it. Really? For real? It was easy to just focus on my dream of being a mother and look past the woman who would make me one. And then it happened to us.
Meeting Ethan’s birth mother was a nerve wracking experience, to say the least. I had trouble sleeping, trying to imagine what the conversations would be like. Trying to imagine how I would feel about her and how she would feel about me. But in my wildest imagination, I could not have predicted how my heart would open to her. How my thoughts would drift to her each evening. How I would pray fervently not just for the health of the baby, but for her. For her safety. For her future. For her heart.
People ask about her a lot – I know you have questions. Please know that I will be guarded about how much I tell you. This is intentional. I love this woman. I want to protect this woman from scrutiny, from judgment. I want to protect Ethan from this as well.
Here is what I will tell you. She has had a rough go of it. Life has not been easy for her. She has made bad decisions that are hard for me to understand. She has struggled with vices that are completely foreign to me in my sheltered, middle class comfort zone. And yet…
She loved this baby boy. She recognized her difficult circumstances and wanted something better for this baby. She looked through family profiles and chose US. She saw in us the love she wanted surrounding this baby. She saw past Matt’s disabilities and knew we’d be great parents – something I worried no one ever would. She gave us the most amazing, unimaginable, life-altering gift – her child.
Each night when things are quiet and I’m snuggling sweet Ethan one last time, I study his face. His eyelashes are growing longer, his cheeks are filling out, his blond hair is coming in, his nose is simply perfect…and I think of her. My eyes fill with tears at the enormity of humble gratitude I feel towards her. I whisper to Ethan that I will do everything in my power to give him all that she hoped for him. I kiss his checks and tell him how much I love him and I whisper prayers of thanksgiving.

Even though I will never be able to understand or condone all her life circumstances – it doesn’t matter. She made me a mom. She gave us a gift we can never repay. I will always love her – and I can assure you, it is for real.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

WE'RE ADOPTING!!

Bah! I said it…er wrote it…out loud. There it is, in black and white for the world to see. (Pause for a drink and a breath) Matt and I are in the very early stages of planning to adopt. We have had a few meetings with an adoption agency, we are gathering the necessary information, and we are making plans to get this ball officially rolling SOON. It has been a very long and winding road to get us to this point, and honestly I never thought we’d get here. Adoption isn’t what we started out hoping for. It isn’t where we thought we’d end up. But here we are – gearing up for what will surely be a life-changing experience for us with hearts full of hope and excitement. The topic of adoption has come up in the past, but we quickly dismissed it for one reason or another. Matt and I have had our fair share of insecurities about whether or not adoption would be a good option for us. Who would look at our family profile and pick us?? It was a burning question that we probably still have ...
5 comments
Read more

I may as well tell you...

I had a miscarriage. I’ve debated for weeks whether or not to acknowledge it publicly. It’s such a personal thing…and this is such a public medium. But a few months have gone by and I’m no closer to feeling ok about it and truly nothing else on my mind really compares, so here I am, letting the world in on my secret. Over the past few weeks I’ve found very little comfort in the fact that only a small handful of people know about the miscarriage. It became nearly unbearable this week, during all our wonderful family Christmas celebrations. Being surrounded by so many people who love me and support me and have no idea how my heart has been broken – it’s a lonely place to be. Not that I would want them all to bombard me with pity or questions or sad looks in their eyes – I realize I can’t have it both ways. But a little acknowledgement goes a long way and I simply can’t ignore or deny the fact that something major happened in my life and impacted me, impacts me still.   It was a ...
4 comments
Read more

Carrie Anne - The Beginning of the Story

So, I’ve been trying to sort out how to start this story. It’s been difficult to articulate. Difficult to pick which details to share, and which to hold close. But it’s a story too good, too beautiful, not to share – so here goes! When Matt and I first became parents, we thought our family was complete. We envisioned raising Ethan surrounded by loving friends and family – just the two of us. Given all that we had gone through to finally become parents, we felt content with just the one child. The most adorable boy in the whole wide world. Our Ethan was the apple of our eyes – the most amazing gift. We marveled at all of his accomplishments, soaked up all his love and personality, and celebrated the joy of parenthood at every exhausting, wonderful turn. Along the way, we’ve built a strong and loving relationship with Ethan’s birthmother. We visit yearly, and stay in close contact with pictures, emails, and texts. I have attempted to describe my feelings for her many times over the...
1 comment
Read more