Skip to main content

For Real...

I’ve been thinking a lot…a lot about Ethan’s birth mother. I’ve been trying to formulate some thoughts to try and articulate how I’ve been feeling about her…so here we go.
First of all – adoption is complicated. The relationship between birth parents and adoptive parents is complicated. When we first started talking about adoption, I’ll admit I had real mixed emotions about how this relationship would evolve. Just the term birth mother made me somewhat uncomfortable. The idea that my child could have another family out there who he could have a relationship with over time, made me nervous and insecure. I read other adoption stories where the adoptive parents described their open adoptions with a level of emotion I found – well, rather fake. I just couldn’t fathom it. Really? For real? It was easy to just focus on my dream of being a mother and look past the woman who would make me one. And then it happened to us.
Meeting Ethan’s birth mother was a nerve wracking experience, to say the least. I had trouble sleeping, trying to imagine what the conversations would be like. Trying to imagine how I would feel about her and how she would feel about me. But in my wildest imagination, I could not have predicted how my heart would open to her. How my thoughts would drift to her each evening. How I would pray fervently not just for the health of the baby, but for her. For her safety. For her future. For her heart.
People ask about her a lot – I know you have questions. Please know that I will be guarded about how much I tell you. This is intentional. I love this woman. I want to protect this woman from scrutiny, from judgment. I want to protect Ethan from this as well.
Here is what I will tell you. She has had a rough go of it. Life has not been easy for her. She has made bad decisions that are hard for me to understand. She has struggled with vices that are completely foreign to me in my sheltered, middle class comfort zone. And yet…
She loved this baby boy. She recognized her difficult circumstances and wanted something better for this baby. She looked through family profiles and chose US. She saw in us the love she wanted surrounding this baby. She saw past Matt’s disabilities and knew we’d be great parents – something I worried no one ever would. She gave us the most amazing, unimaginable, life-altering gift – her child.
Each night when things are quiet and I’m snuggling sweet Ethan one last time, I study his face. His eyelashes are growing longer, his cheeks are filling out, his blond hair is coming in, his nose is simply perfect…and I think of her. My eyes fill with tears at the enormity of humble gratitude I feel towards her. I whisper to Ethan that I will do everything in my power to give him all that she hoped for him. I kiss his checks and tell him how much I love him and I whisper prayers of thanksgiving.

Even though I will never be able to understand or condone all her life circumstances – it doesn’t matter. She made me a mom. She gave us a gift we can never repay. I will always love her – and I can assure you, it is for real.


Popular posts from this blog

Where We're at…Right Now

This whole adoption thing is tough stuff, friends. It is a roller coaster ride like no other. And I have to be honest – I’m still not sure this will be it for us. I want to believe it is…but I’m just.not.sure. Matt and I were on our way to church yesterday, listening to the 90’s station when the cult classic ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ came on. We both giggled…and may have turned it up a tad. Near the end we both howled out a woooo-woooo in near perfect, spontaneous, unison with dear mullet headed Billy Ray. It made me laugh instantly and I blurted out ‘we’re so perfect together’. And honestly – we are.
That thought stuck with me all morning.  We.are.perfect.together.  What we have – our marriage, our friendship, our devotion and commitment to each other….they are priceless. Our union is a blessing. It is blessed. 100% meant to be. No doubt in my mind. There is no one on this planet who could ever know me like Matt. We have been through hell and back together. In the hospital, shortly after his …

I may as well tell you...

I had a miscarriage. I’ve debated for weeks whether or not to acknowledge it publicly. It’s such a personal thing…and this is such a public medium. But a few months have gone by and I’m no closer to feeling ok about it and truly nothing else on my mind really compares, so here I am, letting the world in on my secret. Over the past few weeks I’ve found very little comfort in the fact that only a small handful of people know about the miscarriage. It became nearly unbearable this week, during all our wonderful family Christmas celebrations. Being surrounded by so many people who love me and support me and have no idea how my heart has been broken – it’s a lonely place to be. Not that I would want them all to bombard me with pity or questions or sad looks in their eyes – I realize I can’t have it both ways. But a little acknowledgement goes a long way and I simply can’t ignore or deny the fact that something major happened in my life and impacted me, impacts me still.
It was a warm, sunn…

Mother's Day Emotions

Mother’s Day weekend is coming and I’m finding myself all sorts of emotional – go figure. I think the anticipation of how I might feel on my very first Mother’s Day after so many years of hoping, waiting, and wondering sort of made it a bit anticlimactic. Or maybe I guarded my heart a little and didn’t fully let the magnitude of my emotions wash over me. Regardless, I find myself MUCH more emotional this time around.
Last night we watched a TV show about children growing up and moving out etc…and I actually cried. All those jerks who told me how fast children grow and how quickly the time moves…were right. Of course I feel how swiftly time moves the older I get…I blinked and now I’m in my (gulp) 40’s. But I simply could not have fathomed how I would feel about the amount of time I have to be Ethan’s mother. It feels finite. Fleeting. Just not enough.
Don’t get me wrong, I love watching Ethan grow! He is learning and changing and cracking me up all the time. He loves climbing, and runn…