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Monday Update: 05/19/08

In only one week I will be back in China with Matt. It seems like we’re so close now, and just have to hang on a little longer…but for some reason these past several days I’ve found the wait harder and harder. I think I’m just feeling sort of lost…in limbo. Tonight I find my thoughts drifting back to that day. Some of the memories once so vivid and raw have faded…I can no longer remember all the details of what I saw, heard, felt, and said the day I walked in and found Matt laying on the floor. They have blurred themselves into the things I recounted to other people over and over, but the tiny details which used to haunt my thoughts at night have faded. Certain things, however, remain. The sound of Chad sobbing over my shoulder as I cried into my hands, Matt on the gurney in the emergency room, fitful and uneasy…and unresponsive, me standing in the corner in a daze, just willing him to wake up, look at me, and say he was fine, calling my mother in a state of shock and confusion, staring, disbelieving at the x-ray of Matt’s brain as the doctor tried to explain to us what was wrong and not knowing if our life would, or could ever be the same.
We have come so far – and yet there are times when the unfairness of it all just hits me and the tears come again. Stupid things – just seeing a couple in a car…not knowing if Matt will ever be able to drive me around again…a couple walking down the street…not knowing if Matt and I will ever be able to walk hand in hand again…the little things that I know may never be the same. They are things I have long ago pushed aside, focusing on the important things we have to be thankful for…knowing that we will go on, no matter the circumstances. That we WILL make the most of it. That there are many blessings, and indeed there are. But sometimes, like right now, I find it so unfair that the beautiful, wonderful life we had is forever changed. We all lost something that day…for Matt and I, we lost the life we knew and we had to start building a new one with what remained. And we’ve done well…we’ve made it through a lot, which is why I think I am nearing a breaking point of sorts…I just need him back. I’ve lost so many pieces of him, and now I’m ready for this time apart to be over…to begin a new chapter in our new life. I’m grateful for this opportunity, and for the benefits it is sure to bring…but oh has it been hard to be apart.

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