Karwoski Life

We arrived in Florida midday Saturday and made our way to the hospital where we met up with Ethan’s birthmother and her mother. We spent a long afternoon in the waiting room while the doctors and nurses put L through a myriad of tests. Finally, they verified the need to induce labor and proceeded to admit her to the hospital with plans to start the induction process Sunday. Exhausted, we left to check in at the hotel and ate what we thought may be our last supper before the baby came…but…. Sunday we arrived at the hospital mid-morning to see how things were progressing. The nurses gave L a medication to help start the dilation process around 12:30 PM…and told us it would likely take 12 hours for things to progress. We stepped out to enjoy the Florida sunshine for lunch for a bit, then settled in for the long haul at the hospital. We spent all afternoon, evening, and night together – holding watch over L as she slept. As we sat there, listening to the baby’s heart beating on the mon...

So, I’ve been trying to sort out how to start this story. It’s been difficult to articulate. Difficult to pick which details to share, and which to hold close. But it’s a story too good, too beautiful, not to share – so here goes! When Matt and I first became parents, we thought our family was complete. We envisioned raising Ethan surrounded by loving friends and family – just the two of us. Given all that we had gone through to finally become parents, we felt content with just the one child. The most adorable boy in the whole wide world. Our Ethan was the apple of our eyes – the most amazing gift. We marveled at all of his accomplishments, soaked up all his love and personality, and celebrated the joy of parenthood at every exhausting, wonderful turn. Along the way, we’ve built a strong and loving relationship with Ethan’s birthmother. We visit yearly, and stay in close contact with pictures, emails, and texts. I have attempted to describe my feelings for her many times over the...

Mother’s Day weekend is coming and I’m finding myself all sorts of emotional – go figure. I think the anticipation of how I might feel on my very first Mother’s Day after so many years of hoping, waiting, and wondering sort of made it a bit anticlimactic. Or maybe I guarded my heart a little and didn’t fully let the magnitude of my emotions wash over me. Regardless, I find myself MUCH more emotional this time around. Last night we watched a TV show about children growing up and moving out etc…and I actually cried. All those jerks who told me how fast children grow and how quickly the time moves…were right. Of course I feel how swiftly time moves the older I get…I blinked and now I’m in my (gulp) 40’s. But I simply could not have fathomed how I would feel about the amount of time I have to be Ethan’s mother. It feels finite. Fleeting. Just not enough. Don’t get me wrong, I love watching Ethan grow! He is learning and changing and cracking me up all the time. He loves climb...

So we’ve decided to move. We love Ankeny, our house, and our neighborhood so it’s a little bittersweet to think about moving, but ever since Ethan came along - oh how things have changed. When we set out to build a wheelchair friendly house for Matt nearly 9 years ago, we were mainly focused on the functionality inside the house. While of course we wanted the ease and function of zero grade entry, we also yearned for the freedom he would know in a house with wider doorways and room to maneuver the bulky chair. In our old house there were literally rooms he never went into, simply because he couldn’t get through. Our Ankeny home was a dream come true in so many ways. And it was lovingly planned out and put together by so many incredibly generous and thoughtful people. We were humbled time and time again with how things came together for us in that house. I’ll never forget coming home for the first time with Matt after our long, exhausting trip back from China. It was late, we were jet...

From the moment I knew about Ethan my mind raced with worry like I never knew possible. I prayed over his birth mother, for their safety and health.  Living states away was agonizing...not knowing how things were going...wondering how things were progressing. I cherished every text and e-mail update...but the worry never quite went away. The day Ethan was born that worry skyrocketed. Hearing his tiny screams in the background, rushing around in a daze trying to pack and prepare for what was happening. Time stood still, but my mind raced with questions...and worry. In the hospital all we wanted to do was spend every possible moment with Ethan. Just leaving the room to go downstairs to the cafeteria for a quick meal felt like an eternity. What if something happened while we were downstairs? What if he was crying and needed us? We hardly left the hospital after that first day - I just couldn't tear myself away from this tiny life who was miraculously brought into ours. That...

In a little over a week Ethan will be turning 1 year old. This seems unimaginable to me. Of course time flies…it goes fast…and all those clichés you hear time and again are true. And while I ‘knew’ this was true, I didn’t ‘know’ how it would make me feel. I’m not sure if it’s this upcoming milestone or my increasingly mushy mommy-heart, but I’ve been finding myself realizing lately just how much I ‘knew’ but didn’t ‘know’ about being a mommy. First off – there isn’t enough time. When Ethan was first born I took a break from all my normal activities, and did all I could to soak up my time with Ethan. Maternity leave was amazing! I spent countless hours snuggled up as Ethan napped. He went from my arms to Matt’s arms all day long as we went about our business. We had no timelines, no agendas, no commitments but each other and it was one of the best times in my life. As maternity leave was winding down, I tried to prepare myself for re-entry into ‘normal’ life. Work, gym, home, et...

If you had been a customer of the Longhorn Steakhouse on Highway 19 in Palm Harbor, FL last Sunday night, you may have seen two couples walking through the restaurant, oogling a sweet baby boy on the way to their table. You may have commented on how cute he was. You may have thought he looked a lot like the woman carrying him. You may have wondered about the man in the wheelchair. But you likely would not have assumed you’d be witnessing this baby’s biological parents sit down to dine with his adoptive parents. It’s a scene I’ve been playing over and over in my mind as I recount the wonderful experiences of our trip to Florida. The magnitude of that moment, that evening, will never be lost on me. It was incredible to be a part of – and I’m so very grateful we had it. We had met up with Ethan’s birthmother, L, earlier in the day. She hadn’t seen him since he was a few hours old and was anxiously waiting for us outside a local mall. As soon as we saw each other the tears welled up in o...

Today we dedicated Ethan at church. It was a very moving and special service to both Matt and I. We had been planning it for a while - wanting to wait until after the adoption was final - and it was everything I had hoped it would be. Pastor's message on answered prayers spoke straight to our hearts, as we gazed teary eyed at this adorable and lovable baby boy squealing and smiling in my arms. How amazing is this story? How could it be anything other than God's story for us? It's so very humbling and so incredibly wonderful. Here we sat, surrounded by so many of our loving friends and family. Ethan's supporters filled multiple pews! I couldn't help but smile through joyful tears at how amazingly blessed we are. As we stood up in front of the congregation and dedicated ourselves to raising Ethan to know Jesus, I was struck at how each one of those supporters had left an indelible mark on us, on our life. We simply would not, COULD not be where we are today without th...

Six months ago I stepped softly into a NICU room to peer in on a tiny new life. I stared at his face and tried to comprehend the incredible gift he was. This week we finalized Ethan’s adoption, officially and legally becoming a forever family. He charmed a room full of family and friends, as well as a judge and lawyer across the country. Again, I found myself trying to comprehend the incredible gift his is. SO much has happened these past six months. Our family of three has celebrated all sorts of fun milestones; sleeping through the night, daycare, rolling over, trying solids, the first holiday season, two 40 th birthdays…the list goes on. Being a family, having a son, is amazing! I spent so many years wondering if it would ever be us. If we would ever know the joy and wonder of raising and loving a child of our own. I spent countless tearful nights praying and pleading to God – not wanting to give up on our dream. And now, when I stare at sweet Ethan’s face – I am ...

You are the light of my life You fill my heart with more joy…than I could have imagined Your smile can move mountains And Daddy and I will do just about anything to see it Again And Again Every night before I got to bed, I come in to check on you I lean in To hear your soft breaths To smell your sweet head To marvel at the amazing gift you are Many nights my eyes are filled with tears I’m overwhelmed with how deeply I love you And how humbled I am That I get To be your Mommy I will never be able to comprehend How all the many pieces had to fall perfectly into place To bring you to us I will never be able to thank God enough You are the light of my life My heart, my hope, my joy My son

I realize I’ve been writing a lot about how life with Ethan has changed me – how much I have loved becoming a mother – and it occurs to me that I should share a little about Matt as a father. It should come as no surprise to anyone that Matt and I are both incredibly enamored with Ethan. We are both 100% wrapped around his tiny little finger…happily. We both sit and oogle him, coo at him, talk to him, and absolutely melt when he snuggles into our chests. Becoming parents has been amazing. More…oh so much more than we could have fathomed. Watching Matt with Ethan moves me in a way that’s hard to describe. I have loved Matt since I was a goofy 16 year old girl, but I can honestly say I’ve never loved him more than I do now – watching him as a daddy to our sweet Ethan. We knew going into this that parenthood would definitely have its challenges for us, given Matt’s disabilities. We knew I’d have to carry more of the weight while Ethan is small. We knew we’d have to find ways to ac...

Ethan is ten weeks old today. Ten weeks. It seems like a lifetime ago that he came into our lives, and just yesterday at the same time. It’s still so crazy, thinking back on our time in Florida and all we went through these past few months since learning we were chosen to parent him.   He’s growing and changing so much – it’s incredible. But tens weeks has me a bit emotional. I feel twelve weeks, and my return to work, steadily creeping up on us. And then I find it a bit hard to swallow the lump in my throat. I have dreamed of being a mother for as long as I can remember. I have wondered for years what it would feel like to hold a baby of my own in my arms. To snuggle a soft head against my cheek.   To see a big toothless smile and coo just for me. To stumble around at night warming bottles and changing diapers. To sing quiet songs and whisper prayers of thanksgiving while rocking my sleeping baby. I daydreamed and fantasized and wondered what it would b...

Today I had a work meeting and needed to leave Ethan for a few hours. It was the 2 nd time I’ve been away from him for more than a few minutes for a work thing. I suppose it’s ‘good practice’ for the inevitable return to work, but it’s still a little hard to leave that face. Last night I busied myself laying out clothes and preparing as much as possible for the early morning handoff to Matt’s mom.   I had planned to leave the house around 7:15 – the earliest I’ve been anywhere since, oh, let’s say…August 10 th ! I had set the alarm for 5:30 – just in case…but Ethan woke me up around 5:10 so I knew I’d have plenty of time to ready us both for the day. Good practice, I thought. Ethan drank his bottle with his usual fervor, but towards the end, I could sense that he was ‘working’ on something. Of course we had to stop drinking – because he can’t concentrate on both at the same time. It’s a strange thing – just sitting, rocking your baby as he works on his number two – his big ...

I’ve been thinking a lot…a lot about Ethan’s birth mother. I’ve been trying to formulate some thoughts to try and articulate how I’ve been feeling about her…so here we go. First of all – adoption is complicated. The relationship between birth parents and adoptive parents is complicated. When we first started talking about adoption, I’ll admit I had real mixed emotions about how this relationship would evolve. Just the term birth mother made me somewhat uncomfortable. The idea that my child could have another family out there who he could have a relationship with over time, made me nervous and insecure. I read other adoption stories where the adoptive parents described their open adoptions with a level of emotion I found – well, rather fake. I just couldn’t fathom it. Really? For real? It was easy to just focus on my dream of being a mother and look past the woman who would make me one. And then it happened to us. Meeting Ethan’s birth mother was a nerve wracking experience, to say ...

Fifteen years ago I was a happy, carefree 24 year old who boldly and confidently just figured I’d have a baby. If only I had known then that in the summer of 2015, when I was rounding out the last of my 30’s, I would finally know the wonder of motherhood. It is so much different and so much better than anything my silly, immature 20-something brain could have dreamed up. I feel full of love for this child, for his birth mother, and for the Father above who brought us together. I know without a doubt that this tiny baby was meant for us – that God was weaving his  life together with ours while he was still being knit together in his birth mother’s womb. He knew we’d have a son and that his name would be Ethan. He knew that he would need us. He knew that his birth mother would read our story and be touched. He knew that she would see all the love surrounding us and visualize this baby in our arms. He knew that we would love him unconditionally. He knew…he knew… In the months when ...

Today Ethan is 3 weeks old. Three weeks since we received the call that would change everything.  I still find myself looking down at this tiny head nestled on my chest and wondering if this could actually be real. I hear myself talking to him and referring to myself as Mommy and it feels…fake somehow. I keep expecting this to be a temporary visit, like all the other children we’ve cared for off and on over the years. As the stacks of baby gifts begin to accumulate and the well wishes keep pouring in, I think it’s maybe starting to sink in. This.is.MY.baby. It’s so crazy, you guys! CRAZY! Our last few days in Florida the anticipation of life back in Iowa was almost unbearable. Our families and friends waiting to meet sweet Ethan could hardly stand the wait any longer. To try and pass the time, we ventured out to a local seafood restaurant on the banks of the Pithlachascotee River where we enjoyed local fresh food and great views. Matt and I spent a few hours at the pool our la...

Matt and I spent our first night as ‘unsupervised’ parents in our hotel room – excited and a bit anxious to figure out how things would go.   We sat looking at this precious face and pondering how much our lives were going to change. It was surreal…still is really. Nearly two weeks have passed and I still can’t believe it!  Monday my mom flew in to help us here and help us when we fly home. (Such a Godsend!) Walking to the car to drive to the airport I asked Matt if he’d like to ride in back with Ethan…’no’ he said sort of like I was crazy for asking. By the time we got to the car…’How about I ride back here’. I loaded up ‘the boys’ in the backseat and chauffeured them over to the airport. My heart was full…such amazing, precious cargo riding in the back. How did I get so lucky!?   Mom arrived and found us waiting in the baggage claim – a stunned and happy look on her face. All the anticipation and here he was…in the flesh. I’ll never forget that look. The hugs she g...